Christmas is coming...fast!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Presents are finally wrapped, as of an hour ago :) The true test will see if they can make it through the curiosity of a dog and two cats. Seal still isn't feeling his best, choosing to lay either in the closet near the litter box or snuggle next to Caleb or I. He could of care less about the laser pointer game I was playing with Piper and ignored the bag of bows I had sitting on the floor.
He and his "sister" were found snuggling on our bed (a big no-no) one winter weekend....I took a picture and then promptly scooted them both out - cat hair in the blankets is no fun!


I've made puppy chow, homemade Chex-Mix and white chocolate popcorn. :) I need to melt some more chocolate for the white chocolate popcorn (with Kix and Fritos - YUM!). We tried last night and it was a disaster! I also made BBQ ribs in the slow-cooker last night! They were REALLY good (and I'm not a ribs lover by any means) but now I'm paying for it - anyone know how to get burnt BBQ sauce out of a slow-cooker? ACK!

We are watching Christmas movies today, snuggled up on the couch and just relaxing. We had fried eggs sandwiches and bacon for lunch *Hey, it's Christmas Eve!* and cinnamon twist things from Pillsbury this morning for breakfast. Dinner was supposed to be pot roast in the slow-cooker, but the burnt sauce that refuses to budge is posing a problem. So, pizza tonight. I still need to pull out the meat for the rest of the week but other than that, we're just sitting here, listening to the rain/sleet hit the windows and watching movies from when we were wee ones.

Here are pictures of our ornaments that we ordered for our babies. I apologize for the lack of....clarity and all-around nice-ness of the pictures. I was crying and the lighting stinks in our living room.

Houndini in the back seat....

Seal, our newest and oldest cat, is sick. Wheezing, puffy eyes, goopy eyes and sneezing, complete with brown guk. So I took him to the vet - 22.00 for a vet exam, immune system stimulant shot 17.00, antibiotic 23.66, eye ointment 11.25 and a antiviral medication (that both cats have to have in case Piper is sick, too. If she starts the brown guk in her nose and eyes, she'll need the antibiotic as well) that was 12.00. The cat cost us 85.91 for a respiratory infection :(
Caleb was mad and so am I - I honestly didn't think that he would need that much or that it would COST that much. Caleb thinks that he could have gone without all the meds and just let it run it's course. I asked the vet and she said that Seal could have gotten sicker without meds because of his age and the fact that he's got the crap in his throat and chest.
He goes back for a re-check next Tuesday and Ebony needs to go in for her re-check on her medications.....I love my animals, but I hate that they get sick when we have the least amount of money.
Of the three animals, he is the LEAST fun to deal with when it comes to medication - claws out, biting...the whole nine yards. At least this time, he doesn't need a pill. Just some liquid, a powder on his food and eye ointment. God help me.

And the lovely fluff ball (he really does look like a fluff ball! He's a Persian) also has a new trick - he used his teeth/front paws (although I don't know how - he doesn't have claws on the front, so that wouldn't have helped much) to OPEN HIS CRATE (it has a zipper front) and get out on the car ride home. :( Houdini he is not - but most definitely tricky.
Caleb isn't feeling well (he had a headache when I dropped him off at work this morning and I just talked to him and he's still got one). I think I will make the trek to Meijer for BBQ sauce (we're having slow cooker ribs tonight with corn bread!) and plastic for the windows by myself. We're going to go to the Lights display here in J-town tonight with my sisters. I'm going to make hot cocoa for everyone to sip while on our trip...I hope we can split the cost of the car....

I LOVE SNOW! But I hate to shovel. And I hate that there is a crust of icy crap underneath the snow that my shovel doesn't want to get up. And there is so much snow on top of our back porch overhang that the door won't open all the way. I'm thinking I'll tackle that after I eat lunch and before I go get my husband.

Tonight's plan? Lights. Stay up late playing computer games with my husband. Sleep..
Tomorrow's plan?: Watch Christmas movies all.day.long and wear new pj pants found at Meijer for 10 bucks! Go to either 9:30 or 11:00 candlelight service at church.

When your doctor calls you at 9pm......

I got a call from my general practitioner last night....scared the crap out of me! She told me that she had done some research and found out that the tests we will need (chromosomal, Lupus (at least 2 different kinds of tests), Progesterone) will cost nearly 900 dollars without insurance.
I spoke to her in her office about a month ago about these tests, as well as talking to her and my OB about being referred to a hematologist/oncologist. My sister-in-law is going to school to be a doctor and is currently in a reproductive health class. She had a guest speaker, who was a Hematologist/Oncologist. The speaker, a doctor obviously, told my sis-in-law (after my SIL told her about me) that I needed to be tested for blood disorders (I've tested negative for Factor V) as well as Lupus and that Progesterone level test. All but the Progesterone test could be done here at our local hospital by our Hematologist...which would cost MUCH less because it's within our network and done at the local hospital. It would also not be categorized as a Fertility issue because it's not being ordered by a fertility specialist. Hopefully, we could trick the insurance company this way. The Pro test could be ordered by own general doctor. My own doctor was going to call the lab, find out prices, talk to the hematologist here in town and another OB to see what they do....

She at least got the prices. She told me to call the Hematologist, check to see even if they see patients like myself and she'd then write a referral. She also told me to talk to my own OB to see about the tests to get a referral to one of the hospitals around here that has a fertility specialist. A month ago, she told me not to talk to my OB until we had more information.

I cried a lot last night. I just can't handle this - going from no answers/ideas to possibly getting some answers and ideas to back where I don't know who to talk to, what to say, how to handle any of it.
My sweet, loving and patient husband told me basically to just chill out. And he's right. We can't do anything about it until the New Year anyway (we have a flexible spending account through his work, which we can use towards medical expenses but it's not available until Jan.1 - we also have 100 towards the medical bills that an anonymous friend sent us. We're unsure of who it is, but we cried and prayed the night we got that check). I HATE sitting and waiting on something that means so much for my family and to me.
We have my husband's family get together this weekend...please pray for me. There are three family members that are pregnant - my sister-in-law (not the one in medical school) who is due a month before us, a cousin due a month after us and another cousin due two months after us.
I'm not sure I feel strong enough to be around pregnant women.....I feel childish and selfish, crying over something so exciting for them. I'm bitter and angry at the entire situation. Babies make me cry ... red-headed babies that we will not be able to meet until we die.
It doesn't help that our first baby would be a year old on Saturday.

I'm going to go do dishes, maybe vacuum, shower, take the cat to the vet, put ribs in the crock-pot, wrap presents and wait for C to come home so that we can go and get a printer cartridge, Kix, Frito's (to make white chocolate concoction) and film for the windows so that we can't feel the wind blowing through them..as much...

I'm feeling the winter blues something awful right now.....

Rambling ALL over

It's been awhile, eh?

My heart has been heavy with depression and hurt. A lot of "not caring" and pain weighs on me daily. I express it to my husband and we talk. And talk and talk. And it helps. But the pain is still there. It's feeling very raw and fresh, like an old wound re-opened. Seeing pregnant women and babies hasn't bothered me until the last week or so. It hurts now, though.
I may be seeing a Hematologist soon to see if I have any blood issues that could e causing the miscarriges. We have also decided to change our OB when the time comes. We will more than likely need to see a specialist anyhow (which our current OB is NOT) but if we can be under the care of a normal OB, we will be looking elsewhere. We are a high-risk pregnancy (when that time comes), as we have been...and we aren't being treated as such. So we are going to change. And it breaks my heart. I love this OB and he has great bedside manners and I think he's a wonderful OB for a normal woman who has a normal and healthy pregnancy. But I am neither and needed to be treated as such.

We have about 1/3 of our Christmas gifts purchased and I don't have the energy to do any more of it. But we don't have a choice. It's something that has to be done.

I have a student, a new-only been at school-not-quite-4 weeks-student, who has been talking about death and a dead baby sister. She drew two caskets (rectangular boxes with stick figures in them) in her journal and called them caskets. She is using details in her drawings and in her oral stories (that NEVER change) that only a child who had truly experienced this would know. It's concerning and confusing all at the same time. I am unsure of what the situation is - she came into our room VERY suddenly and moved from another state very suddenly. I let our director know what was going on and she said that I needed to make an appointment to talk to mom. Not too many 4 year olds talk about death in as much detail and un-changing stories as this little one does. So I left a note for mom to meet me either Monday or Tuesday at 7am..I meant Tuesday or Wednesday....so I have to go to work early tomorrow in case the little girl's mom meets me. I also have a 6-8 RedCross training for Blood Borned Pathogens in the evening that I missed when I had my D&C. I still have to make up the SIDS and Shaken Baby portion that I also missed but it's not being offered in our area as of now.

Right now, I don't know how I will be able to manage at my husband's family Christmas. Pregnant family members. Babies.

It's just all too much.

Depression and exhaustion.

People have been asking me lately how I am doing.

Honestly? I can't describe it.
I am engulfed in school work (getting ready for our Christmas program and starting to think about graduation, now that I won't be giving birth around that time) and yet, it's the farthest from my mind.
I am thrilled that I am going to decorate for Christmas, and yet, I have no energy to do so.
I am feeling normal, life has moved on and so have many others. But my heart is heavy, my mind is heavy and restless for answers.
I am depressed and guilt sinks in when I laugh. It's too early and I'm still in too much pain.
My heart breaks as I read the books I borrowed from Jen (which, I promise to return by Christmas. I can only read about 2 pages before I start crying). My heart breaks and breaks. My eyes well up with tears as I look at the ornaments we are going to order. At the necklace I want to wear around my neck until the day that I die. I need those things to feel closure. To feel something that belongs to these precious little ones.
I need to go work on stuff for conferences and all I want to do is sleep. But life doesn't wait for sleep and neither do parents. I need motivation. Serious motivation.

Musings

I just wanted to write that I am glad that I had my D&C on the Labor and Delivery floor in the Mother/Baby wing at the hospital on the day that I did.

Well, sort of glad.

I had my first D&C on June 26th, 2007 in our hospital's outpatient surgery center (where my husband also has had tumors removed and where I had a hernia fixed just months before the D&C). They have spectacular nurses and staff that were very helpful when I had my D&C. Don't get me wrong - if I have to have outpatient surgery, I will do everything in my power to have it there.

But having a nurse and OB techs that deal with this type of thing, day in and day out...it makes a difference. I know that I am not the only one, nor will I be the last, who has had to endure the pain of walking those halls of the Mother/Baby wing while knowing that their baby is dead inside their womb, a baby that will never take it's first breath, first step, laugh it's first laugh, or love it's first love. I know that pain and I don't wish it upon ANYONE.

But I also know when a nurse knows how to handle that situation from the moment she walks in your room. I know the love and sympathy (and empathy, from a few nurses who shared their own miscarriage pain) and the pain THEY felt from our story that I could see in their eyes as they asked questions, answered our questions, put in an IV, check my vitals and later, help me in to bed and check my blood flow. I know their care and concern as they ask us if there is anything they can do or help us with. I know the care they give when they hand me papers on a support group for bereaved parents, a father's grief and a mother's time to let go. I know the concern they show as they quietly tell me why I have a card with a white rose and teardrops on my door.
They knock quietly, speak in normal terms and are honest.
They know how to handle an irrational ,emotional, distraught woman and her equally distraught husband. And hell, they even handled my parents!
I'm not saying I didn't get great attention at the Outpatient Surgery Center; however, the attention and service I got last Saturday was different. It was tailored exactly to what we needed. What I needed.

Thank you, Vicki, Christin and Jeri-Lynn for loving us, caring for us and supporting us on one of the toughest days of our lives. You are an amazing team...and I've already said that if we have to go through this again (Dear Lord, Help us) or we are blessed with a baby, I want them there with me. They are amazing women.

Thank You.

The journey - Days 3 and beyond

I realized last night that I can have coffee. Cold medicines, pain medications, anti-depressants. Things that I don't WANT to be allowed to have. But that's the way life is right now.

On Saturday, November 8, 2008, I am up by 4 am on the day of my surgery because I can't sleep and my head is so clogged that I am literally gagging every time I swallow. Caleb wakes up as I get out of bed and asks where I'm going. While he is a rather deep sleeper, I make one move to get out of bed and he's up :) I head downstairs, where the cats start meowing for breakfast. I go to let the dog out, only to remember that my parents had picked her up the night before. I miss her and the normalcy that comes with it. I want to eat and drink SO incredibly badly but I know I cannot. My fear of vomiting overtakes all other fears in my life...it is THAT bad. I play on the Internet until it's time for Caleb to get up. We get our showers and I get dressed in comfy clothes. I pack extra underwear and my own pads, as I learned the hard way the first time around that hospital pads are bad news. Bad bad news. We head up the hospital, where we meet my parents at just about 8 am. It is raining, cold and very depressing out. I feel the same way inside. I get registered and they tell me that they're sending me to the 4th floor.

Labor and Delivery floor.

I ask why and she tells me that the day surgery center is closed. I say nothing but grip Caleb's hand tighter. We head up the the labor and delivery floor. The floor where mothers are birthing babies, where babies are being born. Where healthy, LIVE babies are being swaddled and kissed on. We get on the floor and head towards the Mother/Baby wing, where the mothers and new babies are at after birth, where the families can visit. Of course, as we walk by the nurses station, they have about 6 babies out, being wrapped up and ready to taken to Mom. I nearly lose it there but we are quickly taken to the end of the hall, in the corner.
I don't mind, for once, to be put in the corner. As I am being escorted to my room, the nurse asks why we are so early. I look surprised and she tells me that my surgery is scheduled for 11am, not 10:15am. I told her that we were never told of a time change and that I came when I was told to. She was quick to bite back: Well, we're not going to do anything to do you for another hour. So you might as well just sit and pass the time.
Oh thanks.

• By 9am, my nurse Vicki and OB tech Christin are there to do my vitals, height, weight and numerous pre-surgery questions. They tell me that they are there to help me and support me in whatever ways I or my family may need. Vicki is very delicate in asking her questions and is very sympthetic when she asks what surgery and why. She tells me to try to relax and that they'll be back later.

• By 10am,they are back, with IV lines ready and waiting. Poor Christin tries twice to get a vein, only to have one roll and the other one never pan out. So a IV therapist is called in and she gets it in one shot. Saline solution is quickly put in my body and I am then peeing every 20 minutes on the nose. Vicki and Christin come back to check my IV line and to bring papers to sign for the surgery, as well as pamphlets, brochures and reading material on a Support Group that meets as well as information on miscarriages for Fathers and Mothers. Something we didn't get from the first D&C (maybe because it was in the Day Surgery Building across the street?) or the second miscarriage because...well, I don't know why. But they bring it and my mom reads it. They put a card on my door that has a picture of a single white rose with a few tear drops. Vicki explains that this for anyone who enters the room to know that there is no baby, no normal labor and delivery. This is to help curb any confusion, upsetting comments or unwanted comments. I wanted to keep it but it was gone from the door when we left. We asked Vicki to talk to Dr. S about doing tests on the baby, placenta, etc. She talks to him and he says that the baby had already begun to deteriorate and that there's only 2 places in MI that does that type of testing on a baby and it's extremely expensive. We really just wanted tests on the placenta, sac and the like to see if that was all okay. But there was mis-communication and it was too late.

• By 11am, no noise of surgery. Christin comes in and tells me that they'll get me as soon as they're ready. She also tells me that she will make sure to get a gift basket (full of fruit!) for me before we leave. My dad leaves sometime in here to run an errand and Caleb goes to get my antibiotic, Vicodin and Motrin 800 from the pharmacy before they close. It's just me and my mom and we don't say much. And I'm okay with that.
  

• By now, it's 12 noon. 2 hours after I was told initially that my surgery would start. Vicki comes in and asks how we are. I'm in tears from frustration and asks when we'll go down to surgery. She says as soon as they know anything, they'll let me know. I'm irritated, antsy and incredibly uncomfortable from the babies crying (which we've had the TV on the entire time to drown out the noise) and the nasty head cold. Caleb sits by me on the bed and my mom and dad just read the paper. It is quiet and I hate it. But I don't want to hear the babies. I want noise but I don't. I don't like the mundane talking that is really going nowhere.

• 12:30rolls around and the surgery transport lady is there. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm Dr. S's patient. And I keep telling them yes. Maybe I should write it on my forehead or something. We all troop down to the large patient-transport elevator and go down to the surgery holding area. My parents are allowed, but I just needed time with Caleb alone. My parents will stay with Caleb during my surgery and wait until I get out of recovery. They'll leave after that because I know I just can't handle them after surgery. My mom kisses me goodbye and my dad does too.

We go back to the holding area, where the nurse, Trish, knows Caleb from work. She tells us she's had 2 (maybe 3) miscarriages and understands all too well. Tells me if I need anything to yell. Another nurse, who I can't remember her name, gives me 1/2 of something to relax me, as well as Zantac for my acid reflux and some sour drink to help me not puke. I meet the anesthesiologist, Dr. K and discuss what has happened in previous surgeries, including my reaction to the anesthesia after my first D&C. We discuss the options, especially because I have a nasty head cold. She tells me that she wants to consider doing a spinal block because if I was intubated, I could develop pneumonia because of the head cold. I am in tears of fear and anticipation, but ultimately decide to do the spinal block. My anxiety makes my heart rate spike, so in order to deter the same nasty reaction as I had from the last D&C and spiking heart rates, they give me the second 1/2 of the loopy medicine. I begin to feel it. Trish comes back and tells me it's about time. The assistant to Dr. K, a nice older man, tells me that he's going to take me back, along with one of the surgery nurses, Donna. I kiss Caleb goodbye amidst tears and I am gone.
I am wheeled back to the freezing cold surgery room. Someone says to call Dr. S and that it is 13:30...1:30. Nearly 3 and a half hours after surgery was originally scheduled. Dr. K is here, along with the nice man (he said Dr.....but I can't remember), nurse Donna and another nice nurse, Anna. Anna and Donna help move me to the surgery table. It is extremely cold. My head feels heavy and I am in and out. They help me sit up, put a pillow in my arms and tell me to lean over. Dr. K does the spinal and the other Dr. and Anna stand at my head. They keep telling me to relax and not tense my right arm. I keep thinking that I'm not, but I guess I was? As soon as Dr. K tells me that I am going to feel pressure, my hips feel like they are going to blow up. Actually, blow out of my body. And then my legs are immediately tingly, like when they are falling asleep. Only the feeling is from my toes up to my hips. I am laid back down on the table, where my arms and belly are strapped down. My feet are placed into some boots that look like skiing boots. Those are then strapped into over sized stirrups that are found in every OB/GYN office. Dr. K's assistant tells me to relax and an oxygen mask is placed over my nose and mouth. I fall asleep, tears streaming down my face. I wake up once during surgery, but only enough to hear. I hear the suction, the suctioning of my baby and my body being ripped apart. I am aware of what's going on and quickly go back to sleep.
I wake up again at 2:05, only 35 minutes after being taken back to surgery. I am immediately asked what hurts/has no feeling. I can feel my uterus contracting regularly (thanks to the Pitocin I will be enduring for the next 4 hours) but can feel nothing past hips. And my right arm also has no feeling. Someone says that I had to be given more medication to sedate me because I kept coming in and out during surgery. Hence, the noise.
I am moved to recovery holding area, where my nurse happens to be my hairdresser's mother in law. Her name is Skip and she's great. Dr. S comes over and apologizes but I don't really understand what he's saying. Caleb tells me later that when Dr. S had called to tell Caleb that I was out and everything went well, that I was the 5th of 6th surgeries that day that were being performed by 3 of the OB/GYN's. That is why we were so late without any knowledge. Excuse? No. Explanation? Definitely.
My left leg is getting feeling back, but nothing else.
At 3:00, I am wheeled back to my room. I don't have my glasses on, but I can see Caleb holding my bright maroon purse. The transport person giggles when I tell her that that is DEFINITELY my purse, but can't identify who's holding it :) Caleb grabs my hand and lets me put my glasses on. I am then wheeled back to my room. Vicki, my afternoon OB tech Jeri-Lynn, the transport person and another OB tech have to roll me onto my bed, as I still have no feeling in my legs. Well, my left leg is sort of there, but not my right or my hips. I get settled into bed and Jeri-Lynn checks my vital, while Vicki checks my blood flow on the hospital pad in the MESH UNDERWEAR. Holy cow, I do NOT remember those! I don't look because it scares me a bit. Vicki tells me I'm okay but that I can't leave until I eat, pee and am able to feel my entire lower part of my body. Caleb and I just sit and talk for a bit. Jeri-Lynn and Vicki come in and check on me a few more times. Dinner comes, and I have to get permission to make sure I can eat. It's fried chicken strips, jello pudding, cold fries, ice cream, milk, water and I don't think there was a vegetable but I'm not sure. I eat a bit but not a lot - Caleb starts to eat until we realize that they're determine if I can go home on how much I eat and that he probably shouldn't eat anymore and fake them into thinking I am hungry if I'm really not. But Vicki said it was fine that I only ate a bit. We watch television until Jeri-Lynn and another OB tech (I didn't get her name) come in to check my blood flow and to help me get to the bathroom. At this point, I can feel everything but my pelvic area. Not so good when you've got to pee and you can't feel yourself peeing! So they help me go to the bathroom and ultimately, have to help me sit because I can't feel my butt. They turn the water on like we do to the kids who are potty training at the daycare because I can't feel the urge to go to the bathroom. I pee and pee and when I wipe, all there is is bright red blood and clots.
I resist the urge to start crying uncontrollably.
As I get up to walk out, the cranky OB tech bitch quickly points out that I need to wash my hands. No shit Sherlock - I still had to manage to get up with a numb ass, an IV line full of Pitocin and a shaking body, thankyouverymuch. Jeri-Lynn is quick to help me turn the water on and help me wash my hands, and get back into bed. I asked about the aforementioned fruit basket and the grumpy bitch OB tech lady tells me that there aren't anymore and I shouldn't worry about. Yet, I do. There are notes on other doors - can't leave without fruit basket. And mine? None. Isn't it bad enough that I had to endure the crying of babies all day while I carry my dead, unborn child in my body and yet you can't get me a damned fruit basket. I'm still miffed about that.
After the bathroom trip, I just sit and wait for my body to become un-numb. Eventually, about 5:45, Vicki comes in and says that I'm okay to get ready to go home. I get dressed, with the help of my husband and am ready to leave. As we are sitting there, a knock on the door and I get a SECOND dinner delivered. Evidently, I was supposed to be really hungry. That dinner even had CHEESECAKE on it! But I just wanted to go home and wasn't up for more hospital food, so we sent the nice lady away.
Vicki came back, had me sign some paperwork, gave me discharge instructions and helped me out of bed. She then genuinely asked if I needed ANYTHING, I could call the L&D floor and ask for her or Jeri-Lynn or Christin (my first OB tech). She asks if they have found anything as to why we are losing babies and we tell her no. She tells us that she'll be thinking of us as we continue on this journey. She hugged us and we walked out.
We got home and our dear friends, Amy and Sid brought some dinner over for us. I fell asleep on the couch where I stayed much of Sunday and Monday.
As I wrote before, I feel physically fine. My back was sore from the spinal tap on Sunday and Monday, but very little bleeding and cramping. I am tired easily, but as my mom put it, I DID just have some major surgery.
Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems to hit the hardest at bedtime/times when I'm just laying down and it's quiet. I cried when I ordered a Coke the other day. I cry when people offer dinner (we've had some yummy chicken and dumplings, chicken and noodles and chicken pot pie that friends and family have brought for us and we got stuffed shells tonight!). I feel weird accepting meals when I'm fine to do it myself, but then again, I am not fine. I just lost my third child. My precious baby that died inside of me and that I couldn't save.

I couldn't save them. And that makes me feel so incredibly powerless. And depressed.

The journey - Days 1 & 2

I want to document what has happened over the last few days so that my pain-killer induced brain can remember. I'm sorry that this goes in and out of tense and that it seems cold. My body has taken to shut-down for now.

On Thursday, November 6 2008, I waited nearly 2 hours after my schedule appointment time before I was able to see my OB. He was on call and had to deliver babies. I was battling with a nasty nasty head cold that was settling into my chest and wrecking havoc on my head, nose and throat. Dr. S looks at my ears, nose and throat, schedules a throat culture to rule out strep and gets out his trusty Doppler machine to find the baby's heartbeat. He tries and can't find it. Goes and gets another one, one that is older but can pick up more and still can't find it. My heart is RACING and I'm literally shaking with panic and fear. He tells me to try to remain calm, that my uterus is tilted towards my back and that everything is okay. He orders an emergency ultrasound for the next morning. Until then, we wait. I am 13 weeks pregnant now. I need to hear a heartbeat.
I headed downstairs and use the indoor walk-through to the main hospital to the lab. They do a throat culture and ask me to wait for the results. She tells me it should only take 10 - 15 minutes. So I wait, and I try to call Caleb because I am running SUPER late and I know he's panicking, too. No answer. After having waited nearly 30 minutes, the receptionist calls me up and tells me that the doctor never wrote an order for a strep test. Just a throat culture...which could take up to 4 days to get the results back from. I go home, nearly 4 hours after my appointment was originally supposed to start. I go home to find my husband trying to rake up our leaves in the pitch black of the evening because I had begged him to before our leave pick up day. I sob in his sweatshirt and he tells me that he loves me and that there is no need to panic yet.

On Friday, November 7, 2008, is one year to the day that my grandmother dies. She is heavy on my heart lately. I go to work and act as if nothing is wrong. I am emotionally and physically a mess, but hide it from my students. They ask me if I have swallowed a frog and they giggle when I squeak as I read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to them. I leave at gym time, while another wonderful teacher takes my students. She, besides my boss, is the only one that knows that we are having possible issues.
I go to the hospital and wait my turn. Caleb arrives and we hold hands, waiting and praying. We are called back very soon after arriving and get the ultrasound done. The room is silent and very dark. I can see, out of the corner of my eye, the ultrasound screen. I see our baby, not moving and no heartbeat flickering. I see the technician measuring the baby and I see 8 weeks 6 days on the screen. My heart now jumps into my throat. My body is at 13 weeks gestation. The baby is not. This only means that the baby has died. My third baby has DIED. I then see the bright red of the placenta pulsing on the screen as the thermal imaging is turned on. The baby has no color, other than the ashen grey color that is normal for an ultrasound picture of things with no heat. I know now what I was dreading. The tech asks me to use the bathroom while she goes and calls the doctor.

Caleb and I both know what has happened. They don't call the doctor for a healthy baby. She comes back and asks us to quickly go back to the doctor's office (in an adjoining building). We head up there, in silence, knowing. Dreading. Holding back tears. We go to the receptionist at the doctor's office and she, without words, moves us to an exam room. The doctor comes in, and says, "Amanda, I'm so terribly sorry." The tears are brimming in our eyes, both Caleb and I, but neither of us cry. I bite the inside of my cheek until I bleed. He does an exam and his eyes tell me that I am close to starting this hellish ride on my own. The doctor tells me that surgery is scheduled tomorrow (Saturday?!) at 10 am, that we have to be at the hospital at 8 and that he really doesn't want me to go into this by myself..that the pain and mess will be unbearable. Having done a natural miscarriage, I understand and quickly agree. He does an exam and says nothing, but his eyes tell me that I'm close to starting to miscarry. We go back into his office and he tells me everything we've heard before. This time, though, he apologizes with more feeling than before. Asks me how long I need off of work and what pain-killers I may need. He gives me a smile and tells us not to hesitate to call if I begin cramping and bleeding that day. Caleb calls his boss and tells her what is going on. He goes and gets the scripts for Vicodin, Motrin 800, antibiotic for the next day and picks up lunch before heading home in tears. I go back to work and lose it on the way over. I dry the tears and go in to tell my boss. She keeps telling me how sorry she is and how strong I am. I bite my cheeks again as I go to gather lesson plans and things to do while in the hospital. I tear-up as I tell my close-friend and colleague that we have lost the baby. My little red-headed student asks me why I had to go to the doctor and if I had to get a shot. I tell her yes I will have to get shots and she tells me that Dora band-aids make it all better.
I go home and sob uncontrollably with my husband until we are both weary with pain and anguish. My parents cry with us over the phone, as do his. My sisters come, drop off food and take the dog. My in-laws call later in the evening and take us out to Olive Garden for late dinner. I cry in between conversations, and in bed. My husband cries along with me. My heart breaks and I want to die.

My body

My body feels disconnected from my emotions, from my thoughts and feelings.
Again,I feel too normal to have just carried around my unborn dead child in my womb for nearly 4 weeks before we knew.

• Too normal to have had an urgent-almost emergency D&C because I was thisclose to miscarrying on my own and my doctor knows me well enough to know that I couldn't do it on my own.

• Too normal to have lost my third precious red-headed baby.

• Too normal to have had "major surgery" on a Saturday morning when I should have been in bed, watching cartoons with my husband and going to a mandatory training with my fellow employees.

• Too normal to be tired after shopping. After showering, after doing laundry, after crying.

• Too normal to have people bring me dinner. And yet, if they hadn't, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have eaten for this entire week.

• Too normal, too young to have had to say goodbye to my three children.

• Too normal to have a husband in tears asking why we couldn't meet our babies first, to name them, hold them, love them.

They are loved. The tears we spilt this week, and will continue to spill are tears of love and heartache for our children. Not knowing if we had boys or girls kills me. Not knowing why we are losing our babies kills me. Would knowing change anything? Fix anything? Make time go backwards? No. But answers will help me know what to do and how to change.

DAMN IT, WHY? Why must my babies be in Heaven and not here in my arms? Why must my nieces, nephew go without cousins? Why must my parents not know what it's like to be grandparents? Why must my in-laws have their grandchildren taken away? Why must my sisters not know what it's like to be an aunt? Why must my sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws not know what it's like to be an aunt/uncle or have it taken away from them?

GOD, WHY?

Tears stream down my cheeks right now, I can't find a tissue and I don't care. I wish I could convey to others that my heart is breaking constantly, that my body is completely out of sync and that my life is literally falling apart. If it wasn't for the love and support of my husband, our families and dear friends, I don't know how I could do this.

I honestly don't know HOW I'm doing this right now. By the love and grace of God, I suppose.

One of the books I borrowed from Jen says not to blame yourself or your husband, doctor or even God. There's nothing that can change this and not even answers at this point. And what if there are answers? It doesn't change the fact that I have three babies in Heaven.

I am a mother. A mom to three beautiful babies who are in Heaven, along with Ellen, my grandmother and two grandfathers, my husband's grandmother, and so many others who have gone up to Heaven.

Please watch over our babies. They are so very special to us.

Tears and depression

I woke up this morning at 6am, as I do every morning that I work, to the sound of my radio. We listen to SAU's The Message, which used to be The Vibe and I really don't understand why they changed it, but I digress. And I don't work today, but I wanted to get up to get my body back to my schedule. I fell back asleep after Caleb kissed me goodbye and I didn't wake up again until 9:45.

I woke up this morning and snuggled next to my husband as I listened to two beautiful Christian songs that reflected so much what I have been feeling lately. I promised myself to remember them.....but I have forgotten. The only line I remember from one of the songs was either "words as we wander" or "whispers as we wander" or something along those lines. The other song made me cry, but I can't remember ANYTHING of that song. And I asked Caleb if he had heard it, and he had, so I wasn't just dreaming.

I cried today, sobbed over something that shouldn't need tears shed over it. And once I started, I couldn't stop crying. Caleb held me for a bit until he had to go back to work (he was home on his lunch). I stopped soon after he left because crying alone in my dark house makes me feel even more depressed and alone and hurt.

I looked online for nearly 1 and a half hours for an ornament for our babies. I've decided that I want an ornament for each baby. Each baby is special and needs his/her own ornament.
I think I have found the one I want. It's simple and yet, pulls at me every time I look at them.

I forgot to bookmark the page.

I'm really doing well today, aren't I?

The needs or wants....

I have cried and sobbed over the past how-ever-many-days-since my surgery on Saturday that I feel too normal. That losing a baby, my third precious red-headed miracle shouldn't be this painless. This regular, mundane pace of life. This is TOO normal.

I retract all statements.
I have started cramping much like I did when I miscarried naturally during my second pregnancy. And I've started bleeding. Too much information? Maybe. I haven't bled since Saturday night and now it's all too real again.

I.am.a.mom. I am the mother of three precious, beautiful red-headed angels who are watching over Mommy and Daddy every day. They are up there, in Heaven with God and they are loved.

But dear God, why does my heart and body ache so much?

I want to find three ornaments for my precious children to hang on the tree this year. I want to purchase a necklace from this website that I can remember that has jewlery for miscarriages. The one I want is 45 dollars, after adding two more charms so that I have three charms.

They are wants that are becoming needs. Need to prove to others that this hurts. That this wasn't for the better, whether I lost the babies early on or during birth, the heart still hurts. My body hurts. My husband and families grieve. My heart breaks. My eyes burn with tears.

The wants are becoming needs to prove to myself that I am allowed to hurt. Allowed to grieve. Allowed to be in pain. Allowed to cry. Allowed....

The wants are becoming needs. Needs for answers. Need for peace. Need for strength. Need to feel His arms around me.

I am a mother. I dreamt that my last child was a girl. And I whole-heartedly believe this. But there is no way to know. And I'm not sure I'm okay with it. Or any of it.

I don't want to do this anymore, I said to my husband as he held my hand as I was wheeled to surgery.

I know baby. I don't want this to happen anymore, either.

Then make it stop. Make the world stop. Please, make it end.

I would, if I could honey.

Me, too.

I am awake, wasting time until 7 am. I am having cramps and all-together feeling like crap. Between losing a baby and having a nasty head cold, I don't know how much more I can endure.

Please pray for us, for the doctors and for the next few weeks.

We went for our second heartbeat check yesterday and my doctor couldn't find it with the doppler.

"Please don't panic. Your uterus is tilted and everything will be fine"

We went today for an ultrasound and it wasn't fine.

Our baby died sometime between 8 and 9 weeks. Once again, my body tricked me into thinking that I was still pregnant as of yesterday at 13 weeks.

I go for an emergency-type D&C tomorrow morning because if I go through this by myself, it would be extremely painful and excruiatingly messy.

I've done nothing but cry since 11:30 today.

God, help me. Help us.

Halloween and tapeworms

Seal has tapeworms. Piper may have them too.

We go for a second heartbeat check next week - I'll be 12 weeks.

My stomach is getting bigger and firmer - I officially have a baby pooch. Not a belly yet but more than just "I ate too much".

My job stresses me out. I cry. A lot.

My mom and dad are still unemployed. That also makes me cry.

My hips are really messed up to begin with and now that I'm pregnant? Oh, the pain.

I didn't puke OR gag while brushing my teeth yesterday or today. I see that as a victory.

"Miss Amanda, can we listen to Buster the Ghost's song? I just LOVE Buster the Ghost!!"....for those of you who didn't get that: He was referring to "Ghostbusters" on my Halloween Songs for Kids CD.

I laughed so hard I cried!


Happy Halloween!

Quick life update

We are pregnant. Again. For the third time. We saw the baby last week, measuring 8 weeks and a beautiful heartbeat of 171.

My mom lost her job. So now both of my parents are unemployed.

I ate pizza tonight and am ready to puke.

I quit. Another day tomorrow.

Seal

I know, I know, it's been waaaay too long. Sorry - life gets busy around here when school starts.

I am teaching Pre-School and am loving it. It is DEFINITELY a change from Kindergarten, but I love my three and four-year-olds. They make me laugh, cry and grimace. When you tell a student to go wash the "astronaut pudding" off of their face and you find them with their ENTIRE head under the sink.....you can't help but laugh and then grimace as you think of what mom will say when her son tells her exactly how his shirt got soaked. Or more importantly, what the kid will tell mom - "Miss Amanda TOLD me...."

Caleb is overwhelmed at work but still enjoys what he does. I'm so proud of him and his extreme patience with all that goes on around him while he's doing his thing at Foote :)

We have a new cat! His name is Seal and he is part Himalayan. He's a Seal-point (his ears, most of his face, paws/lower legs and tail are all a seal-gray. The rest of him is a dark beige/brownish color) and adorable! He's been around our house for the past week and we finally...okay, I finally convinced Caleb that we needed a playmate for Piper.
Well, Piper would have to disagree. She's done nothing but hiss, growl and snarl at Seal over the past 24 hours that he's been roaming our house *he was here for 4 days prior, but had HORRIBLE fleas, so he had to be bathed and medicated and secluded*. Last night, as we let the cats roam for the night, I couldn't help but worry about bloodshed during the night. Granted, both are declawed....
This morning, however, we found Seal bugging the crap out of Piper and she only hisses at him when he gets REALLY close. I'm hoping that soon they will get along so that there is no more hissing and growling. Seal, does however, love love love love love love love his new buddy Ebony. He loves (did I mention he loves her?) to go up, snuggle up against her and purr :)
Not much else - praying for some very dear friends of ours that have had some disconcerning news brought to them recently.
If you can think about it, pray for us. I can't be more specific until we know some more details but please, pray for our peace, strength and continued love for each other. Oh yeah, and laughter. I need to laugh some more :)

Lots of new things

Let's see - there have been a few new things that have been going on around here, so I'm going to do them in high quality bullet fashion because it's my blog and I can :)

• My husband's younger brother got married two weeks ago and it was a blast! We traveled about 2 hours away to the town where his wife was raised. They had a gorgeous ceremony and a fantastic reception. We were able to see some of Caleb's family, including his grandparents and great-aunt and uncle. This may not seem like a big feat; however, Caleb's father is one of 11 children. That's 11 aunts/uncles plus spouses, children, THEIR spouses and children....it's a lot of Scotts! The first time I ever met Caleb's extended family (his immediate family is good sized, too! 2 brothers, each with a wife and one has 3 children, a younger sister and parents!), it was Thanksgiving 2006 and they were having it at the local Boy Scout's hall because it was the biggest area that we could all fit in. At his grandfather's birthday celebration last week, there was 75 + of us and that wasn't everyone! We counted once, and came up with nearly 100 people...

• At said wedding, my 2-almost 3 year old nephew found my camera absolutely fascinating. He was taking pictures all over the place at the reception and wedding. He was trying to take a picture of Grandma and Bumpa (Grandpa) Scott...instead, he got lovely side view of my chest. Oh yes, it's hilarious. Oh no, it won't be posted :) My sister-in-law (his mom) and my other sister-in-law's boyfriend couldn't stop laughing. It was rather humorous.

• I posted about Ebony's haircut...or at least, I tried. But blogger ate it. Hardcore, complete with burps. Riiiight, but that's how I imagined it. And hey, I have a good imagination. Anyway, Ebony got a haircut. Twice in two days. The first time, the lady cut her hair much shorter than I had anticipated. (Thank goodness it's summer and hot!) It wasn't that her haircut was bad, just very short. Ebony is a flat-coated retriever and has extremely long hair, similiar to a golden retriever. So she has the long hair *feathering* on her legs and tail.
  Or at least she did.
  After her first hair cut, she resembled a black lab - VERY short hair. Except for her tail. Her tail still had the feathering and she looked.....ridiculous.

• So I took her back the next day and asked the woman if she could please shave her tail, too. The lady looked at Ebony and said, "You want her to have a rat tail?" Yes, please. At least her entire body will have short hair! That was almost a month and a half ago, so it's starting to grow out but I'm pretty sure that the dogs we met on our nightly walks snickered at her as we sauntered by. I didn't mean to give her a complex!

• Piper and Ebony have been worn out by many-a-small-child over the past few weeks. Two weeks ago, one of my former students and her younger sister came over and spent the night at "Miss Amanda and Mr. Caleb's" house. Their parents just got divorced about 6 months ago and I feel like sometimes the mom (with whom I've become very close to) and the girls just need some fun, alone time. So, the girls came here and mom got to relax. Ebony and Piper, however, did not get to relax. The girls, L and I, were insistent upon continually throwing Ebony's toys to her and playing with the laser pointer. They were all exhausted and slept well the first night :)

• This past weekend, my best friend Emily and her family came to visit. Emily and her husband, Matt came with their two children, Grace and Elijah *Eli*. Eli LOVED the dog and cat and crawled his fastest to get to them to squeal in their faces and make a break for trying to get a fistful of hair before an adult could stop it. He was in heaven! And I have to say that the furry ones did an AMAZING job with a baby in the house (He just turned 1). He was also enamored with the fish.

• His 2-almost 3 year old sister was NOT in heaven when it came to the dog. She screamed bloody murder and literally jumped into the arms of whomever was closest to her when the dog started to trot towards her. She was constantly looking around to see where Ebbie was and how much distance was between her and the dog. IF the dog was blocked off (either by a baby gate or if the dog was in her kennel), then she was okay. She would gingerly put a finger or two to pet the dog on the head and then quickly retract her arm. The "TITTY TAT" however, was a hit. Grace was constantly chasing Piper around, playing with her and only got upset once when Piper batted at her (with her no-claws front paw) because Grace petted her stomach (Piper will NOT stand for ANYONE to touch her fatty belly!).

• Other than the animals and kids, the day went well. Matt's dad and brothers own a deck care business in Holland, MI, so Matt offered to bring his power washer to clean off our deck. It looks amazing now and we hope that we can afford to sandpaper it and stain it -maybe this weekend!
  

• This is how Ebony and Piper relaxed after two weekends filled with kids:

• On the job front: I am going to be teaching Pre-School at the daycare where I taught Kindergarten for the last two years. I am also going to find out if I can go back to school to get my Early Childhood Endorsement and look at my options for my masters. I did have an interview for a "real" teaching job at a local Catholic elementary school but I didn't get it. So after some quick praying, crying and thinking, I decided to go back to the daycare. I considered just subbing; however, the pay isn't guaranteed and right now, that's something that we can't have.
  

I think that's it :) We have been busy busy and it will only get busier over the next week. I have 4 days to get in to my room and get it ready for my kids. I'm going over tomorrow to see if I can get a class list so I can get some things done. Today? Doing dishes, calling the places I was going to sub at, call the former pre-school teacher to see if we can meet and a few other things.

Happy Monday!

Fish and dogs

I tried to do a *huge* post about Ebony's new hair-do but blogger ate it.

I'll try again another day.

In other animal news, Ebony and Piper both went to the vet and are doing well. Ebony got her second Lymes booster and Piper had her weigh-in. Piper, back in January, was obese. A chunky-monkey (her new nickname)10.9 pound not-quite-year-old kitten! We switched her to indoor adult formula, which has helped a lot. She's now at 9.3 and could stand to loose another pound. We're trying to exercise her with a laser pointer, which she LOVES!! So does Ebony and provides entertainment for us as well. There was a mass amount of owners and animals at check-out and I just realized that I never got the information as to when Eb is supposed to go back for her last shot in the Lymes booster series...Hrm....

Our tadpole, Clyde, is still a tadpole; however his face/head region is starting to look thinner and pointy, which is what Bonnie's face did. We'll have to see. One-eyed Melvin is now "No-Eyed Melvin". My sister was over for dinner the other night and was mentioning how Melvin eats better/looks for food better than Howie the Owie and Melvin has (had) only 1 eye. As we are talking and whatnot, this is what transpired:

Me: Melvin has Sirius to help him forage for food but even still..Howie is just wimpy.
S: Melvin does so much better with only one eye!
*As she is saying this, she went over to the tank to look*
S: Amanda, Melvin's eye is gone!
Me: What?!
S: Yeah, there's nothing there.

True enough, Melvin's eye is gone and he's now No-Eyed Melvin. We're not sure if he is blind or not; he comes up to the surface when I turn on the light to feed and sucks up rocks to find food...

We've got quite the crew!

Death and Life

God has been trying to show me something lately, but I'm not sure what exactly.

Yesterday, I found out that a college acquaintance lost her husband to a nasty (but reverently fought) battle with pneumonia and complications from that. He was, I believe, the same age as us. They have a little guy, Andersen who was born in December and just lost his daddy. I know that his mommy will do everything in her power to make sure that he knows who his dad was and what a strong man he was, fighting to stay alive.

"Not feeling his heartbeat under my head is the worst pain I have ever felt"
I can't even begin to imagine the pain and anguish she and the families are feelings

Why, Lord, must You take away? Alan was such a great man, loving husband and father. Why did you have take the babies away from us and all the other families that have had to trudge through the pain and heart-wrenching feeling of losing your child?

Then He does an amazing act of love and gives Alaina, Colby and Breslin (and family and friends) a new and wonderful healthy baby girl, Dhalia.

I'm so incredibly happy for the Sharp family but in the back of my mind, I think,

: why not us?:

Is that greedy or unloving to think that? I don't know but I know that my husband and I are aching for a baby. And answers as to why we lost the first two pregnancies. We did everything right, followed doctor's orders, only to hear, "I'm sorry, but the baby didn't make it".

Ijust.don't.get.it.

Jiminy Cricket!

Bonnie and Clyde (and my camera strap)

So, I'm a sucker for animals. That's how I ultimately got Ebony *although really, it was my doctor who told me a dog would do me some good while I underwent chemo....* and Piper *Caleb wanted to leaver her outside in the rain! Thankfully, our neighbors kept her until I could convince Caleb that he really wanted a cute kitten*.

Now, I've acquired 3 fish (I bought them and they're great fun and entertainment for Piper) and 2 frogs. Yes, frogs. Rib-bit. Our preschool teacher had purchased 2 tadpoles as part of her life cycle unit (which fit nicely into the Kindergarten frog and butterfly life cycle units....). At the end of the school year, she asked me if I wanted to take them home. She was going to leave them at the center, but decided to ask me first. When I came home with the tadpoles, Caleb was thrilled, let.me.tell.you.what!
After having the tadpoles in our house for about a week, the larger of the two began to grow her back legs and thus, she became a frog-let. The manual said the larger one is a girl and the smaller one, a boy. It assures the owner that reproduction cannot occur under the environment that the frogs are in; however, knowing my luck... I named them Bonnie and Clyde. Why? Because I can. :)

Anyway, I digress. So I had a frog-let and a tadpole. At this point, the froglet doesn't eat anything as it absorbs it's tail and uses that for nutrients. The tadpole, however, receives a tiny bit of a "tadpole food pellet", something that resembles fish food sticks but much bigger and stinkier. So I feed the tadpole and keep an eye on the frog-let. Within a week, I had a full grown leopard frog and a tadpole. At this point, I panic. I read the manual that said the frog now eats 2-3 small LIVE crickets every two days. I cringed - I hate bugs and insects and spiders. All types and variety except for lighting bugs and ladybugs. That's it.

I went to our local pet food store and purchased 25-30 small crickets in a box. Let me tell you what, who ever decides the size of a small versus medium/large needs to check their size requirements. I got home and shook the box empty into a large Ziploc bag. Out of the 30ish crickets, at least 10 were large sized and ultimately no good for the frog - some could have eaten the frog! I then frantically closed the bag shut except for one tiny corner so that I could then shake 2 -3 of them in the tank. This worked well until I ran out of crickets (except for the huge ones, which I let outside in our backyard). I had to take Ebony to the groomers (I'll post about this adventure soon), which happens to be at the same place as I buy my insects.
I purchased another box of crickets, picked up the dog and went home. I popped open a little hole at one end of the box and shook 2 crickets into the tank. I quickly shut the box in a large bag again and put it next to the tank, which intrigues the cat to no end.
Today, I went to feed the frog and tadpole. I'm starting to be concerned about the tadpole because I've had him nearly 2 months and still no metamorphosis. But there's not a whole lot I can do about it - no vet I know of looks at leopard frogs. Anyway, I opened the box and started to shake 3 tiny crickets into the tank when Mr. Jiminy Cricket jumped out of the box, catapulted himself off of the wall (where he had hit after he jumped) and hid behind the bookshelf. I immediately screamed out loud and dropped the box back into the bag, closing it quickly. I then moved the bookshelf to try to find the cricket. He was there, in the corner, jumping all over the place. I tried to get a cup over it, but it jumped and I couldn't find it after that. I was running late for my appointment, so I left the cat out (she's usually put up in the room where her litter box is so that she doesn't antagonize the dog while she's crated) and prayed that the cat would find the thing and eat it or something. She eats flies, spiders, and other random bugs in our house, so what's a cricket?

Since I've been home from my appointment, I've heard a cricket twice. Very tiny voice (they're only 2-3 weeks old by the look of their size) but very obviously a cricket. I closed all the windows and doors to make sure it wasn't coming from outside and still, I heard it.

JIMINY CRICKET!

So now, we have a random cricket roaming our house, to add to the spiders and flies. Oh the joys of living in an old drafty house. One day when we have more money, we'll fix that.
Until then, the cricket and I will have a stare down. And hopefully, Piper will find it and take care of it.

I swear, we have wild kingdom in our house on a daily basis.

Prayers

One of my close high school friends just had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby (a girl) was born 6 weeks early weighing a mere 3 pounds and is having breathing issues. The baby wasn't due until the early part of September, but they were going to take her early (August 25th, I believe). Now, they're praying, hoping and waiting as this little girl fights for her life.

This, on the heels of losing their first child in November. He was born with complications and had severe brain damage. He was born in September and hung on like a trooper until the middle of November. He died at home with his mommy and daddy.

The pain they experienced/are experiencing is too much for my mind to grasp around. They were elated when they found out she was pregnant again and we all prayed that this baby would be healthy and strong. From what her dad said, she's a fighter and as long as she continues the way she's going, she should clear this on her own and she won't have to be air flighted to U of M. She's got her big brother looking over her, but if you think about it, could you say an extra prayer/thought/good vibe to this family? They've been through enough.

Beef - A - Roo

Sunset behind the Tam O' Shanter Lodge in Cornucopia, WI.

Last week (on Thursday), Caleb and I embarked on a long journey up to the Upper Penninsula and Wisconsin so that I could be a part of one of my best friend's wedding. We left Thursday around 2 pm and got into Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan around 8 pm. We then left early Friday morning (around 7:45am) and got into Cornucopia, Wisconsin around 3:30pm. We had rehearsal around 5 and hung around the lodge afterwards.
The next day, my loving dear husband and I helped to decorate, arrange, rearrange, clean up and numerous other things before the wedding.

And then came the storm :( The wedding was outside on a beautiful beach; however being that we were on Lake Superior and Michigan/Wisconsin weather is what it is, it rained. And it was cold. And incredibly windy. And we were in summery halter dresses and flip-flops. And we shivered. And we laughed and cried. We threw rocks in the lake as a sign of our love and dedication to them. The bride's mother wrote a beautiful poem to go along with it. It was amazing to watch and I hope the photographer got a great picture of it.

And my best friend got married.Jeremy and Leah's Wedding - 7.19.08
The arbor they got married under? Her brother made that as a gift! They have a wooden porch swing that will hang under the arbor at their new house.

Then, we headed indoors for pictures because the flash wasn't working and honestly? I was truly thankful. When we got the formal pictures finished, one of the groomsmen had bought the groom a pack of 7 (one for each day of the week!) fake adhesive mustaches. The groom and his guys put on the attire and it.was.hilarious. So then the bride decided that we couldn't be denied any fun either, so....














We had a great time and are extremely happy for Leah and Jeremy. We love them both very much and are so blessed to have them as friends.

However, we were also elated when we returned home. There's nothing better than sleeping in our bed and using our own pillows, our own shower and relaxing together.
We figured out last night that we:

• Spent nearly 400 dollars in gas,
  
• drove 12 hours up and 13 driving back,
  
• put 690 miles driving up and 653 driving back down on the Escape- It drove like a dream!
  
• Listened to every CD we brought (25 or so) at least twice,
  
• drank coffee, pop and water until I swear my eyes were floating,
  
• munched on dried apples that smelled WEIRD, Pringles, wheat things, beef sticks, and cheese sticks. Which reminds me:
• On our trip back from Wisconsin, we head east into the UP but went a bit of a different way to get to the bridge, bypassing the Sault and cutting off nearly 45 minutes of our trip. So, on our way, we pass by two large establishments with large signs that read, "Beef - A - Roo". Before I can say anything, Caleb quickly pipes up and says, "Beef -A-Roo? I think no.". Maybe it was because I was exhausted or maybe it was that my brain had started to meltdown but I started laughing and couldn't stop. Anybody want to go out to Beef-A-Roo? Who knows? - Maybe it's really good beef.
  
• sang and laughed together.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. :)

And while my husband was taking pictures of the wedding, we got a shot of the flower girl sporting her own mustache during the toast/prayer :

I'm a geek but I love my new car!

So, we have a new car :) My husband says I'm a dork; however, this is the first car that I have picked out, paid for (okay, so the credit union owns it until the loan is paid off...but still!) and taken complete care of from start to finish. When I explained to him that I've never had the privilege of owning a car that I picked out and bought, he ease up a little. Here's a bit of car history for your enjoyment:

When going through high school, I drove an ultra-cool grocery getter (Taurus Station Wagon) that could hold 10 color guard girls. This was also the car that my mom drove while we were younger to many Girl Scout meetings, school functions and band concerts, CCD classes and carried large amounts of groceries to feed us.
Then, while up at college, I drove nothing for the first three years. However, when I moved off campus, I got to take my parent's blue min-van. It was old, but served it's purpose...right up until it died on E. Easterday Avenue in Sault Sainte Marie. It was revived, but only to make it back to Jackson. When I returned to the Sault to do my year-long student teaching, I took the "Beast" - the Dodge Durango. It got through snow and ice...except for once when the school intervention specialist and the custodian (I worked at a small school..in a small town...where everyone knows everyone else) had to rock it off the snow bank.
When I moved back home, I continued to drive the Durango until we got married. Then, my parents decided to give us the 1989 Mercury Sable - it used to be my sisters that they drove during high school (they both drove it a year and then combined drove it for two) and before that? It was my grandmother's car until her Alzheimer's disease proved to be too strong for her and she had to be placed in assisted living.
The Sable did it's job and we've had it 2 years and probably even longer had it not decided to develop transmission issues. So, a month after I found out that I wasn't going to be working for the day care anymore, we were faced with the issue of finding a new car that fit our needs but was cheap enough so that we could afford payments. Here's what I discovered during this process:

• No matter what, salesmen are ultimately trying to sell you something. Some are better at it than others. We really enjoyed working with the 3 at their respective places: Ford Seymour, Extreme Dodge/Hyundai and Art Moehn Chevrolet/Honda.
• The guy at Ford Seymour knew his stuff about Fords but not-so-much about the PT Cruisers. We found a PT that we liked but I felt like my butt was dragging on the ground and it had enough room but it wasn't exactly what I *and Caleb* needed. We looked at a Ford Escape (one that we were interested in) but they didn't have any used and well..we can't afford anything new right now.
  
• Art Moehn Chevrolet/Honda guy didn't know quite as much, but held his own. He showed us a Honda Element (what we originally wanted) and we test-drove it. Nice car, lots of room in the back if you put the seats down but my husband is, evidently, too tall for it and his knees were jammed into the glove box. No go.
  

• On our last try, we went to Extreme Dodge/Hyundai. My mother-in-law and both sister-in-law & brother-in-law got their cars from the Hyundai line and love them. We looked at at Sante Fe (our #1 car to look at) but they didn't have any used and once we got up close and personal, it didn't have as much room as we needed in the back for Ebony's kennel. However, the dealer that we worked with DID have two Escapes - a yellow and a black one. Both in good condition - we decided to get the black one because
• it was newer
• better kept up
  
• it does have 124,000 miles- we believe that they are mostly highway miles (the old registration in the car says the guy lived in Detroit, so it makes sense)

So, we now have a car. And it's one that I picked out (with the help of my loving husband), sort-of-paid for and love :)

Welcome to our blog! We hope you enjoy the ride as we enter our second anniversary (in October) and whatever God has in store for us :)
Our family consists of us and our various animals. Currently, we have as follows:
Ebony is a 4 year old Flat Coated Retriever
and Piper is a black and white 1 year old kitten.
We also have three fish, Serius Black, One-eyed Melvin and Howie the Owie (my Kindergarten kids named him that because he gave owies to the other fish..he was eating them...).
I also inherited 2 leopard tadpoles after school from the Preschool teacher. I think I'll name them Bonnie and Clyde...Bonnie is big, has all her legs and swimming like a..um..mad woman. Clyde, on the other hand, still has no legs and all tail. He HATES when I clean the tank and would prefer to sit in the dark.
Our lives are busy as always, but we have fun!