Tears and Tylenol 3 with codine.

This wasn't supposed to happen again. 
I'm not supposed to be recovering from another miscarriage, another D&C, another loss again.
I'm supposed to be pregnant, supposed to be horribly sick for a reason.
Instead, I'm sick from pain medications, antibiotics and lack of wanting to eat. 
Instead, I'm restricted to pick up my toddler, taken off of work for a week and told to lay low.
Instead, I'm exhausted and walking around in a fog, in confusion, in denial, in hurt and pain.
Instead, I go to my first college class in 6 years, praying that I can make it through the next four hours without wanting to just lay down and cry. The ONLY way I got through those hours was by God's loving hand. The ONLY way.
My poor sweet girl is still sick and is horribly confused. She stayed with two sets of grandparents on two different nights after my surgery and then had Daddy home when he should have been at work. We still took her to daycare, but that was a mess - poor girl just sobbed and had new caregivers in her room. She looks so forlorn and disoriented when we drop her off. They assure us that she's fine by the time we pull out of the driveway, but it still breaks my heart.  Anyone that comes to the house is currently viewed as a threat that may take her away, so she immediately holds on/hugs tighter and runs to hide. It breaks my heart.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm mad, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed.
I'm so sorry that my body failed again.
I couldn't give my husband another baby, nor could I make my daughter a big sister.

My heart hurts.

Our hearts are...

breaking.

We went in to our 10 week appointment, expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat again.

After two ultrasounds and an exam, it was determined that our sweet baby passed away at 7 weeks 6 days, just 4 days after I first heard the heartbeat.  My body has yet to miscarry, so I will be going in tomorrow for yet another D&C.

Our lives are forever altered, forever changed.

I'm not sure how many more times I can do this.

We just wanted one more baby - is that too much to ask?!?

Giveaway and sick toddler

So, it has begun.
Moira was in daycare for 3 days, folks. 3.  1, 2, 3.
She came home early on Thursday because she wasn't feeling well and by Thursday night, running 103 fever. Doctor's appointment on Friday showed no infection but a very nasty head-strong cold. Doctor told us she should be better by Sunday, along with no fever. Call back on Monday if not any better.
Friday night until last night included little sleep for all 3 of us, vomiting, high fevers, severe congestion, gagging, refusal to eat or drink, mopey/over-tired/clingy/not-sure-what-she-wants toddler.
Woke up this morning to her struggling to breathe/wheezing because of her congestion, and immediately called the doctor.
After trying to collect urine (repeat of her ER visit back in March) and pleading to drink Pedialyte, the doctor came back (the nurse and I did all of the above), and discovered she has a nasty, nasty right ear infection.
Of course.
Poor girl is miserable and our hearts are breaking.
I was feeling low when I got on FB while she's napping until I saw that Eye Candy Details 1st Birthday Party, Guest Blogger and Giveaway was happening. Today. Right now. I could potentially win a GC to the talented Edible Details (GO. CHECK. HER. OUT!) shop for some amazing fondant wonderfulness. Seriously. It would make M's party in January that I'm planning now so that I don't freak out then, only I'm freaking out now...simply amazing. Yes, indeedy.
Oh why yes, I DID enter. With every chance I can :)

Here's hoping to healthier toddler and a win. I could use one today.