Christmas is coming...fast!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Presents are finally wrapped, as of an hour ago :) The true test will see if they can make it through the curiosity of a dog and two cats. Seal still isn't feeling his best, choosing to lay either in the closet near the litter box or snuggle next to Caleb or I. He could of care less about the laser pointer game I was playing with Piper and ignored the bag of bows I had sitting on the floor.
He and his "sister" were found snuggling on our bed (a big no-no) one winter weekend....I took a picture and then promptly scooted them both out - cat hair in the blankets is no fun!


I've made puppy chow, homemade Chex-Mix and white chocolate popcorn. :) I need to melt some more chocolate for the white chocolate popcorn (with Kix and Fritos - YUM!). We tried last night and it was a disaster! I also made BBQ ribs in the slow-cooker last night! They were REALLY good (and I'm not a ribs lover by any means) but now I'm paying for it - anyone know how to get burnt BBQ sauce out of a slow-cooker? ACK!

We are watching Christmas movies today, snuggled up on the couch and just relaxing. We had fried eggs sandwiches and bacon for lunch *Hey, it's Christmas Eve!* and cinnamon twist things from Pillsbury this morning for breakfast. Dinner was supposed to be pot roast in the slow-cooker, but the burnt sauce that refuses to budge is posing a problem. So, pizza tonight. I still need to pull out the meat for the rest of the week but other than that, we're just sitting here, listening to the rain/sleet hit the windows and watching movies from when we were wee ones.

Here are pictures of our ornaments that we ordered for our babies. I apologize for the lack of....clarity and all-around nice-ness of the pictures. I was crying and the lighting stinks in our living room.

Houndini in the back seat....

Seal, our newest and oldest cat, is sick. Wheezing, puffy eyes, goopy eyes and sneezing, complete with brown guk. So I took him to the vet - 22.00 for a vet exam, immune system stimulant shot 17.00, antibiotic 23.66, eye ointment 11.25 and a antiviral medication (that both cats have to have in case Piper is sick, too. If she starts the brown guk in her nose and eyes, she'll need the antibiotic as well) that was 12.00. The cat cost us 85.91 for a respiratory infection :(
Caleb was mad and so am I - I honestly didn't think that he would need that much or that it would COST that much. Caleb thinks that he could have gone without all the meds and just let it run it's course. I asked the vet and she said that Seal could have gotten sicker without meds because of his age and the fact that he's got the crap in his throat and chest.
He goes back for a re-check next Tuesday and Ebony needs to go in for her re-check on her medications.....I love my animals, but I hate that they get sick when we have the least amount of money.
Of the three animals, he is the LEAST fun to deal with when it comes to medication - claws out, biting...the whole nine yards. At least this time, he doesn't need a pill. Just some liquid, a powder on his food and eye ointment. God help me.

And the lovely fluff ball (he really does look like a fluff ball! He's a Persian) also has a new trick - he used his teeth/front paws (although I don't know how - he doesn't have claws on the front, so that wouldn't have helped much) to OPEN HIS CRATE (it has a zipper front) and get out on the car ride home. :( Houdini he is not - but most definitely tricky.
Caleb isn't feeling well (he had a headache when I dropped him off at work this morning and I just talked to him and he's still got one). I think I will make the trek to Meijer for BBQ sauce (we're having slow cooker ribs tonight with corn bread!) and plastic for the windows by myself. We're going to go to the Lights display here in J-town tonight with my sisters. I'm going to make hot cocoa for everyone to sip while on our trip...I hope we can split the cost of the car....

I LOVE SNOW! But I hate to shovel. And I hate that there is a crust of icy crap underneath the snow that my shovel doesn't want to get up. And there is so much snow on top of our back porch overhang that the door won't open all the way. I'm thinking I'll tackle that after I eat lunch and before I go get my husband.

Tonight's plan? Lights. Stay up late playing computer games with my husband. Sleep..
Tomorrow's plan?: Watch Christmas movies all.day.long and wear new pj pants found at Meijer for 10 bucks! Go to either 9:30 or 11:00 candlelight service at church.

When your doctor calls you at 9pm......

I got a call from my general practitioner last night....scared the crap out of me! She told me that she had done some research and found out that the tests we will need (chromosomal, Lupus (at least 2 different kinds of tests), Progesterone) will cost nearly 900 dollars without insurance.
I spoke to her in her office about a month ago about these tests, as well as talking to her and my OB about being referred to a hematologist/oncologist. My sister-in-law is going to school to be a doctor and is currently in a reproductive health class. She had a guest speaker, who was a Hematologist/Oncologist. The speaker, a doctor obviously, told my sis-in-law (after my SIL told her about me) that I needed to be tested for blood disorders (I've tested negative for Factor V) as well as Lupus and that Progesterone level test. All but the Progesterone test could be done here at our local hospital by our Hematologist...which would cost MUCH less because it's within our network and done at the local hospital. It would also not be categorized as a Fertility issue because it's not being ordered by a fertility specialist. Hopefully, we could trick the insurance company this way. The Pro test could be ordered by own general doctor. My own doctor was going to call the lab, find out prices, talk to the hematologist here in town and another OB to see what they do....

She at least got the prices. She told me to call the Hematologist, check to see even if they see patients like myself and she'd then write a referral. She also told me to talk to my own OB to see about the tests to get a referral to one of the hospitals around here that has a fertility specialist. A month ago, she told me not to talk to my OB until we had more information.

I cried a lot last night. I just can't handle this - going from no answers/ideas to possibly getting some answers and ideas to back where I don't know who to talk to, what to say, how to handle any of it.
My sweet, loving and patient husband told me basically to just chill out. And he's right. We can't do anything about it until the New Year anyway (we have a flexible spending account through his work, which we can use towards medical expenses but it's not available until Jan.1 - we also have 100 towards the medical bills that an anonymous friend sent us. We're unsure of who it is, but we cried and prayed the night we got that check). I HATE sitting and waiting on something that means so much for my family and to me.
We have my husband's family get together this weekend...please pray for me. There are three family members that are pregnant - my sister-in-law (not the one in medical school) who is due a month before us, a cousin due a month after us and another cousin due two months after us.
I'm not sure I feel strong enough to be around pregnant women.....I feel childish and selfish, crying over something so exciting for them. I'm bitter and angry at the entire situation. Babies make me cry ... red-headed babies that we will not be able to meet until we die.
It doesn't help that our first baby would be a year old on Saturday.

I'm going to go do dishes, maybe vacuum, shower, take the cat to the vet, put ribs in the crock-pot, wrap presents and wait for C to come home so that we can go and get a printer cartridge, Kix, Frito's (to make white chocolate concoction) and film for the windows so that we can't feel the wind blowing through them..as much...

I'm feeling the winter blues something awful right now.....

Rambling ALL over

It's been awhile, eh?

My heart has been heavy with depression and hurt. A lot of "not caring" and pain weighs on me daily. I express it to my husband and we talk. And talk and talk. And it helps. But the pain is still there. It's feeling very raw and fresh, like an old wound re-opened. Seeing pregnant women and babies hasn't bothered me until the last week or so. It hurts now, though.
I may be seeing a Hematologist soon to see if I have any blood issues that could e causing the miscarriges. We have also decided to change our OB when the time comes. We will more than likely need to see a specialist anyhow (which our current OB is NOT) but if we can be under the care of a normal OB, we will be looking elsewhere. We are a high-risk pregnancy (when that time comes), as we have been...and we aren't being treated as such. So we are going to change. And it breaks my heart. I love this OB and he has great bedside manners and I think he's a wonderful OB for a normal woman who has a normal and healthy pregnancy. But I am neither and needed to be treated as such.

We have about 1/3 of our Christmas gifts purchased and I don't have the energy to do any more of it. But we don't have a choice. It's something that has to be done.

I have a student, a new-only been at school-not-quite-4 weeks-student, who has been talking about death and a dead baby sister. She drew two caskets (rectangular boxes with stick figures in them) in her journal and called them caskets. She is using details in her drawings and in her oral stories (that NEVER change) that only a child who had truly experienced this would know. It's concerning and confusing all at the same time. I am unsure of what the situation is - she came into our room VERY suddenly and moved from another state very suddenly. I let our director know what was going on and she said that I needed to make an appointment to talk to mom. Not too many 4 year olds talk about death in as much detail and un-changing stories as this little one does. So I left a note for mom to meet me either Monday or Tuesday at 7am..I meant Tuesday or Wednesday....so I have to go to work early tomorrow in case the little girl's mom meets me. I also have a 6-8 RedCross training for Blood Borned Pathogens in the evening that I missed when I had my D&C. I still have to make up the SIDS and Shaken Baby portion that I also missed but it's not being offered in our area as of now.

Right now, I don't know how I will be able to manage at my husband's family Christmas. Pregnant family members. Babies.

It's just all too much.