Tears and Tylenol 3 with codine.

This wasn't supposed to happen again. 
I'm not supposed to be recovering from another miscarriage, another D&C, another loss again.
I'm supposed to be pregnant, supposed to be horribly sick for a reason.
Instead, I'm sick from pain medications, antibiotics and lack of wanting to eat. 
Instead, I'm restricted to pick up my toddler, taken off of work for a week and told to lay low.
Instead, I'm exhausted and walking around in a fog, in confusion, in denial, in hurt and pain.
Instead, I go to my first college class in 6 years, praying that I can make it through the next four hours without wanting to just lay down and cry. The ONLY way I got through those hours was by God's loving hand. The ONLY way.
My poor sweet girl is still sick and is horribly confused. She stayed with two sets of grandparents on two different nights after my surgery and then had Daddy home when he should have been at work. We still took her to daycare, but that was a mess - poor girl just sobbed and had new caregivers in her room. She looks so forlorn and disoriented when we drop her off. They assure us that she's fine by the time we pull out of the driveway, but it still breaks my heart.  Anyone that comes to the house is currently viewed as a threat that may take her away, so she immediately holds on/hugs tighter and runs to hide. It breaks my heart.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm mad, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed.
I'm so sorry that my body failed again.
I couldn't give my husband another baby, nor could I make my daughter a big sister.

My heart hurts.

Our hearts are...

breaking.

We went in to our 10 week appointment, expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat again.

After two ultrasounds and an exam, it was determined that our sweet baby passed away at 7 weeks 6 days, just 4 days after I first heard the heartbeat.  My body has yet to miscarry, so I will be going in tomorrow for yet another D&C.

Our lives are forever altered, forever changed.

I'm not sure how many more times I can do this.

We just wanted one more baby - is that too much to ask?!?

Giveaway and sick toddler

So, it has begun.
Moira was in daycare for 3 days, folks. 3.  1, 2, 3.
She came home early on Thursday because she wasn't feeling well and by Thursday night, running 103 fever. Doctor's appointment on Friday showed no infection but a very nasty head-strong cold. Doctor told us she should be better by Sunday, along with no fever. Call back on Monday if not any better.
Friday night until last night included little sleep for all 3 of us, vomiting, high fevers, severe congestion, gagging, refusal to eat or drink, mopey/over-tired/clingy/not-sure-what-she-wants toddler.
Woke up this morning to her struggling to breathe/wheezing because of her congestion, and immediately called the doctor.
After trying to collect urine (repeat of her ER visit back in March) and pleading to drink Pedialyte, the doctor came back (the nurse and I did all of the above), and discovered she has a nasty, nasty right ear infection.
Of course.
Poor girl is miserable and our hearts are breaking.
I was feeling low when I got on FB while she's napping until I saw that Eye Candy Details 1st Birthday Party, Guest Blogger and Giveaway was happening. Today. Right now. I could potentially win a GC to the talented Edible Details (GO. CHECK. HER. OUT!) shop for some amazing fondant wonderfulness. Seriously. It would make M's party in January that I'm planning now so that I don't freak out then, only I'm freaking out now...simply amazing. Yes, indeedy.
Oh why yes, I DID enter. With every chance I can :)

Here's hoping to healthier toddler and a win. I could use one today.

Winner, winner, chicken dinnner deja vu!

Okay, so evidently I'm sort-of-kinda-little-bit lucky/good at winning these online giveaways.

I just won a pair of shoes from Monkey Toe Shoes from their giveaway on FB. Moira looked at the pictures and decided to get the frog ones. No joke - she kept pointing and signing and saying "frog".   Amber Y, they have monkey ones :)

And speaking of the lovely Mrs. Amber, I just won HER giveaway from the My Memories Digital Scrapbooking folks. Oh, love. Oh, drool. *SQUEE* Thanks again, Amber, for that lovely opportunity. Maybe this will get my butt in gear to actually do something with all these photos!

Timing and pink lemonade.

So the news has spilled out to family and friends - we are having a sweet baby in April 2012.
Right after Spring quarter starts.
Slight panic mode around here these days - trying to figure out money, how we're going to manage going back to school (both of us) while working (both of us) and how often/how long M will be in daycare and who will pick her up on days that we won't be able to and how, if at all possible, can I finish my necessary requirements to keep my teaching certificate before I lose in June of 2012?
Not to mention I've had this intense need to clean up my desk/spare bedroom. Not nesting so much as it's all just driving me batty.
Decided to finally start M's baby book. You know, now that she's 19 months old (currently reading House Buying for Dummies) and going to be a big sister... *head hangs in shame and exhaustion* There are many things I should do these days during the quiet, but naps win out.
Today, for example, I napped with the sweet girl while dishes sat.
Then, I got on the computer while she watched Thomas on the other computer and found this lovely giveaway:
http://ayanovich.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-memories-digital-scrabooking.html
You must all check it out. right now. Seriously go.
I think I drooled while I read about it.
Pink lemonade has been a serious need and want these days, along with cucumbers and ranch. Cold cold cucumbers and Marzetti's ranch. No joke. It's the BEST.  Or so says the baby in my stomach.
Who, by the way, Moira says is a boy. Every.single.time we ask, she says/signs a boy.
We'll see if she's right. :)

So news...

I'm utterly exhausted. Constantly wanting to vomit/gag or both.

I just found out that we are expecting our second baby. Our second miracle.

And was gently reminded that it is not OUR timing but His...and only His.

And it's perfect :)

Summer in the fast lane and another giveaway!

Life has been busy, busy around here.
Here's what's been going on (not limited to, but including...)
-Moira turned 18 months old and is a walking/running/toddling/signing/talking/screaming/yelling/whispering/loving/temper-tantrum-throwing sweet girl :) We just got her 18 month pictures done at Se@rs and they did an AWESOME job!
-Caleb interviewed for a new position within his current (and amazing!) team and boss. We'll know more this week! Included in this interview was the decision that he must go back to school to get his Associates degree. It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.  It's going to be sacrifices from all of us - long days and nights for him (most of his classes are night classes), long days and nights for me and sweet girl, more time at daycare for Miss M until I can get there after my job and treasuring time when all 3 of us are together. I'm ready. Oh yeah, I may go back to school, too :)
- Trying to lose weight by running. Every other day. Training for a 5k in September. My first. I'm nervous, no doubt. But also very excited to be back in the U.P!
- I'm also trying to enter in this giveaway: Giveaway time! I'm nervous (seriously...go figure. I'm a dork!) but this would be AWESOME! And the dipped marshmallows? Um..yes, PLEASE!
- Trying to organize our basement...but goodness, that place is over-run by boxes. Slightly reminds me of the Hoarder shows but I try to keep it under control. There is a large area open for the laundry and we can move around freely. Caleb reminds me that it's not that bad and in reality, it's really not. It's just those moments of panic of "where in the WORLD am I going to put all this stuff?!"
-I am finding that I'm attracted/slightly addicted to Shark Week. Go ahead and laugh. I did :)
-As much as I love summer, I can NOT wait for fall. It's my favorite time of year - love love love cider, pumpkins and dressing up in snuggly warm clothes!
-I think that's it, for now :)