Tears and Tylenol 3 with codine.

This wasn't supposed to happen again. 
I'm not supposed to be recovering from another miscarriage, another D&C, another loss again.
I'm supposed to be pregnant, supposed to be horribly sick for a reason.
Instead, I'm sick from pain medications, antibiotics and lack of wanting to eat. 
Instead, I'm restricted to pick up my toddler, taken off of work for a week and told to lay low.
Instead, I'm exhausted and walking around in a fog, in confusion, in denial, in hurt and pain.
Instead, I go to my first college class in 6 years, praying that I can make it through the next four hours without wanting to just lay down and cry. The ONLY way I got through those hours was by God's loving hand. The ONLY way.
My poor sweet girl is still sick and is horribly confused. She stayed with two sets of grandparents on two different nights after my surgery and then had Daddy home when he should have been at work. We still took her to daycare, but that was a mess - poor girl just sobbed and had new caregivers in her room. She looks so forlorn and disoriented when we drop her off. They assure us that she's fine by the time we pull out of the driveway, but it still breaks my heart.  Anyone that comes to the house is currently viewed as a threat that may take her away, so she immediately holds on/hugs tighter and runs to hide. It breaks my heart.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm mad, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed.
I'm so sorry that my body failed again.
I couldn't give my husband another baby, nor could I make my daughter a big sister.

My heart hurts.

Our hearts are...

breaking.

We went in to our 10 week appointment, expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat again.

After two ultrasounds and an exam, it was determined that our sweet baby passed away at 7 weeks 6 days, just 4 days after I first heard the heartbeat.  My body has yet to miscarry, so I will be going in tomorrow for yet another D&C.

Our lives are forever altered, forever changed.

I'm not sure how many more times I can do this.

We just wanted one more baby - is that too much to ask?!?