My body

My body feels disconnected from my emotions, from my thoughts and feelings.
Again,I feel too normal to have just carried around my unborn dead child in my womb for nearly 4 weeks before we knew.

• Too normal to have had an urgent-almost emergency D&C because I was thisclose to miscarrying on my own and my doctor knows me well enough to know that I couldn't do it on my own.

• Too normal to have lost my third precious red-headed baby.

• Too normal to have had "major surgery" on a Saturday morning when I should have been in bed, watching cartoons with my husband and going to a mandatory training with my fellow employees.

• Too normal to be tired after shopping. After showering, after doing laundry, after crying.

• Too normal to have people bring me dinner. And yet, if they hadn't, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have eaten for this entire week.

• Too normal, too young to have had to say goodbye to my three children.

• Too normal to have a husband in tears asking why we couldn't meet our babies first, to name them, hold them, love them.

They are loved. The tears we spilt this week, and will continue to spill are tears of love and heartache for our children. Not knowing if we had boys or girls kills me. Not knowing why we are losing our babies kills me. Would knowing change anything? Fix anything? Make time go backwards? No. But answers will help me know what to do and how to change.

DAMN IT, WHY? Why must my babies be in Heaven and not here in my arms? Why must my nieces, nephew go without cousins? Why must my parents not know what it's like to be grandparents? Why must my in-laws have their grandchildren taken away? Why must my sisters not know what it's like to be an aunt? Why must my sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws not know what it's like to be an aunt/uncle or have it taken away from them?

GOD, WHY?

Tears stream down my cheeks right now, I can't find a tissue and I don't care. I wish I could convey to others that my heart is breaking constantly, that my body is completely out of sync and that my life is literally falling apart. If it wasn't for the love and support of my husband, our families and dear friends, I don't know how I could do this.

I honestly don't know HOW I'm doing this right now. By the love and grace of God, I suppose.

One of the books I borrowed from Jen says not to blame yourself or your husband, doctor or even God. There's nothing that can change this and not even answers at this point. And what if there are answers? It doesn't change the fact that I have three babies in Heaven.

I am a mother. A mom to three beautiful babies who are in Heaven, along with Ellen, my grandmother and two grandfathers, my husband's grandmother, and so many others who have gone up to Heaven.

Please watch over our babies. They are so very special to us.

Tears and depression

I woke up this morning at 6am, as I do every morning that I work, to the sound of my radio. We listen to SAU's The Message, which used to be The Vibe and I really don't understand why they changed it, but I digress. And I don't work today, but I wanted to get up to get my body back to my schedule. I fell back asleep after Caleb kissed me goodbye and I didn't wake up again until 9:45.

I woke up this morning and snuggled next to my husband as I listened to two beautiful Christian songs that reflected so much what I have been feeling lately. I promised myself to remember them.....but I have forgotten. The only line I remember from one of the songs was either "words as we wander" or "whispers as we wander" or something along those lines. The other song made me cry, but I can't remember ANYTHING of that song. And I asked Caleb if he had heard it, and he had, so I wasn't just dreaming.

I cried today, sobbed over something that shouldn't need tears shed over it. And once I started, I couldn't stop crying. Caleb held me for a bit until he had to go back to work (he was home on his lunch). I stopped soon after he left because crying alone in my dark house makes me feel even more depressed and alone and hurt.

I looked online for nearly 1 and a half hours for an ornament for our babies. I've decided that I want an ornament for each baby. Each baby is special and needs his/her own ornament.
I think I have found the one I want. It's simple and yet, pulls at me every time I look at them.

I forgot to bookmark the page.

I'm really doing well today, aren't I?

The needs or wants....

I have cried and sobbed over the past how-ever-many-days-since my surgery on Saturday that I feel too normal. That losing a baby, my third precious red-headed miracle shouldn't be this painless. This regular, mundane pace of life. This is TOO normal.

I retract all statements.
I have started cramping much like I did when I miscarried naturally during my second pregnancy. And I've started bleeding. Too much information? Maybe. I haven't bled since Saturday night and now it's all too real again.

I.am.a.mom. I am the mother of three precious, beautiful red-headed angels who are watching over Mommy and Daddy every day. They are up there, in Heaven with God and they are loved.

But dear God, why does my heart and body ache so much?

I want to find three ornaments for my precious children to hang on the tree this year. I want to purchase a necklace from this website that I can remember that has jewlery for miscarriages. The one I want is 45 dollars, after adding two more charms so that I have three charms.

They are wants that are becoming needs. Need to prove to others that this hurts. That this wasn't for the better, whether I lost the babies early on or during birth, the heart still hurts. My body hurts. My husband and families grieve. My heart breaks. My eyes burn with tears.

The wants are becoming needs to prove to myself that I am allowed to hurt. Allowed to grieve. Allowed to be in pain. Allowed to cry. Allowed....

The wants are becoming needs. Needs for answers. Need for peace. Need for strength. Need to feel His arms around me.

I am a mother. I dreamt that my last child was a girl. And I whole-heartedly believe this. But there is no way to know. And I'm not sure I'm okay with it. Or any of it.

I don't want to do this anymore, I said to my husband as he held my hand as I was wheeled to surgery.

I know baby. I don't want this to happen anymore, either.

Then make it stop. Make the world stop. Please, make it end.

I would, if I could honey.

Me, too.

I am awake, wasting time until 7 am. I am having cramps and all-together feeling like crap. Between losing a baby and having a nasty head cold, I don't know how much more I can endure.

Please pray for us, for the doctors and for the next few weeks.

We went for our second heartbeat check yesterday and my doctor couldn't find it with the doppler.

"Please don't panic. Your uterus is tilted and everything will be fine"

We went today for an ultrasound and it wasn't fine.

Our baby died sometime between 8 and 9 weeks. Once again, my body tricked me into thinking that I was still pregnant as of yesterday at 13 weeks.

I go for an emergency-type D&C tomorrow morning because if I go through this by myself, it would be extremely painful and excruiatingly messy.

I've done nothing but cry since 11:30 today.

God, help me. Help us.

Halloween and tapeworms

Seal has tapeworms. Piper may have them too.

We go for a second heartbeat check next week - I'll be 12 weeks.

My stomach is getting bigger and firmer - I officially have a baby pooch. Not a belly yet but more than just "I ate too much".

My job stresses me out. I cry. A lot.

My mom and dad are still unemployed. That also makes me cry.

My hips are really messed up to begin with and now that I'm pregnant? Oh, the pain.

I didn't puke OR gag while brushing my teeth yesterday or today. I see that as a victory.

"Miss Amanda, can we listen to Buster the Ghost's song? I just LOVE Buster the Ghost!!"....for those of you who didn't get that: He was referring to "Ghostbusters" on my Halloween Songs for Kids CD.

I laughed so hard I cried!


Happy Halloween!

Quick life update

We are pregnant. Again. For the third time. We saw the baby last week, measuring 8 weeks and a beautiful heartbeat of 171.

My mom lost her job. So now both of my parents are unemployed.

I ate pizza tonight and am ready to puke.

I quit. Another day tomorrow.