I have cried and sobbed over the past how-ever-many-days-since my surgery on Saturday that I feel too normal. That losing a baby, my third precious red-headed miracle shouldn't be this painless. This regular, mundane pace of life. This is TOO normal.
I retract all statements.
I have started cramping much like I did when I miscarried naturally during my second pregnancy. And I've started bleeding. Too much information? Maybe. I haven't bled since Saturday night and now it's all too real again.
I.am.a.mom. I am the mother of three precious, beautiful red-headed angels who are watching over Mommy and Daddy every day. They are up there, in Heaven with God and they are loved.
But dear God, why does my heart and body ache so much?
I want to find three ornaments for my precious children to hang on the tree this year. I want to purchase a necklace from this website that I can remember that has jewlery for miscarriages. The one I want is 45 dollars, after adding two more charms so that I have three charms.
They are wants that are becoming needs. Need to prove to others that this hurts. That this wasn't for the better, whether I lost the babies early on or during birth, the heart still hurts. My body hurts. My husband and families grieve. My heart breaks. My eyes burn with tears.
The wants are becoming needs to prove to myself that I am allowed to hurt. Allowed to grieve. Allowed to be in pain. Allowed to cry. Allowed....
The wants are becoming needs. Needs for answers. Need for peace. Need for strength. Need to feel His arms around me.
I am a mother. I dreamt that my last child was a girl. And I whole-heartedly believe this. But there is no way to know. And I'm not sure I'm okay with it. Or any of it.
I don't want to do this anymore, I said to my husband as he held my hand as I was wheeled to surgery.
I know baby. I don't want this to happen anymore, either.
Then make it stop. Make the world stop. Please, make it end.
I would, if I could honey.
Me, too.
2 comments:
you bring me to tears thinking about our precious one. it's such a deep searing wound that in some ways, never heals...
http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html an excellent website for miscarriage jewelry. we ended up just getting something from zales, but i treasure it. it's a small tear-drop shaped emearld. i've worn it every day since we bought it, and i absolutely love it.
we too got a christmas ornament for our precious baby. we just got a plain emerald colored bulb which was may's birthstone. bronners website has some miscarriage remembrance ornaments as well.
you're right you are a mom... i had a hard time with that too... i still have a hard time when people ask if this is our first, it catches me off guard everytime, i take a deep breath, and just respond with a yes, knowing in my heart to be the other.
hoping the meal was at least a bit relaxing for you. hang in there, and i'll be thinking of you as head back to school on monday.
The necklace I want is from labelledame - I had thought about the teardrop in each of their birth stones but I think wearing 3 teardrops may look funny.
I looked on Bronner's website but can't find the remembrance ornaments you talk about - can you lead me in the right direction? I think we may have found some at a website specifically for those who have lost babies. When I remember to look it up, I'll send you a picture. We also saw some colored bulbs with small rhinestones on them at Bronner's - we'd need one for May, December and September. I'm thinking about getting those for the tree and getting the other ones (they're ceramic) to hang as wall hangings in the house somewhere...our bedroom, maybe?
Dinner was amazing and we're still munching on it - in fact, that's what Caleb had for dinner tonight.
When people ask us, I tell them that we have 3 babies that are no longer with us. It takes people off guard, but most are curious enough to ask.
I am a mother of three. And no, I'm not okay that I've never seen or touched my children. But I am a mother. I just wish I could have saved them, protected them..something. I am their mother...that's what mother's are supposed to do, right?
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