Three years later, this date comes up and we brace a bit for it. It reminds us not only of the three babies we lost but of the babies and pregnancies that have been taken from so many others. The life of infertility, explained or not, is one that I do not wish upon anyone. But in the same breath, I wouldn't change a thing that has happened in our walk along this rocky road. We have learned to lean not only on each other but on friends, family and even doctors and nurses who were and are there to support us along the way. We have met some amazing families and people throughout this, and have learned that some of our own close friends (or now close friends!) have endured the pain of pregnancy and infant loss...and we didn't even know it. It helps to know that other people understand, empathize with our pain and grief and hurt and tears. Does it make it less? No. Do I like that so many other couples and families know this pain? Absolutely not. But it's nice to know that others know what I'm talking about. It makes us feel not so alone.
Our walk in our faith and with God has taken a beating, gone in to more valleys than mountains over the last three years. I think (or at least, I know for me) that we both struggle a bit with the "why". And not so much the why me but just more of why does this to have to happen at all? I deal with this a lot and we are currently trying to find where we fit as a couple and as individuals in a church setting. We want it, but we're just not sure where to put our roots, so to speak.
What I do know is that walking the walk of infertility and unexplained miscarriages have taught me to appreciate life, to appreciate those around me, to humble me and make me more aware of the beautiful little girl now growing inside me. She is a miracle and one that is anxiously awaited by many...but especially her mommy and her daddy. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the pain and hurt and tears and grief that we and our families and friends have had to endure to get to this point. I am incredibly incredibly blessed to be pregnant with Sprout and to have had a rather normal pregnancy with her so far. We continue to be thankful to have experienced this much with her and pray that there will be many more years to come :)
But I can't help to think that I should somehow shelter myself from others that are still struggling with loss and infertility and miscarriages because I know the knife-stabbing pain in your heart when you hear that someone else is pregnant. I don't want to cause anyone else pain or suffering in the midst of all this. But I also want to be joyful - I am finally somewhat relaxed and am really starting to enjoy being pregnant and worrying a bit less (a big feat for me!) about the what-ifs. We have today, we have now and I want to enjoy it....even when I get karate kicks in the bladder that make my eyes water... but I want others to feel the joy and love and kicks and all that comes with being pregnant.
I'm praying for you and your families today and ever day. But especially today.
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