Rambling ALL over

It's been awhile, eh?

My heart has been heavy with depression and hurt. A lot of "not caring" and pain weighs on me daily. I express it to my husband and we talk. And talk and talk. And it helps. But the pain is still there. It's feeling very raw and fresh, like an old wound re-opened. Seeing pregnant women and babies hasn't bothered me until the last week or so. It hurts now, though.
I may be seeing a Hematologist soon to see if I have any blood issues that could e causing the miscarriges. We have also decided to change our OB when the time comes. We will more than likely need to see a specialist anyhow (which our current OB is NOT) but if we can be under the care of a normal OB, we will be looking elsewhere. We are a high-risk pregnancy (when that time comes), as we have been...and we aren't being treated as such. So we are going to change. And it breaks my heart. I love this OB and he has great bedside manners and I think he's a wonderful OB for a normal woman who has a normal and healthy pregnancy. But I am neither and needed to be treated as such.

We have about 1/3 of our Christmas gifts purchased and I don't have the energy to do any more of it. But we don't have a choice. It's something that has to be done.

I have a student, a new-only been at school-not-quite-4 weeks-student, who has been talking about death and a dead baby sister. She drew two caskets (rectangular boxes with stick figures in them) in her journal and called them caskets. She is using details in her drawings and in her oral stories (that NEVER change) that only a child who had truly experienced this would know. It's concerning and confusing all at the same time. I am unsure of what the situation is - she came into our room VERY suddenly and moved from another state very suddenly. I let our director know what was going on and she said that I needed to make an appointment to talk to mom. Not too many 4 year olds talk about death in as much detail and un-changing stories as this little one does. So I left a note for mom to meet me either Monday or Tuesday at 7am..I meant Tuesday or Wednesday....so I have to go to work early tomorrow in case the little girl's mom meets me. I also have a 6-8 RedCross training for Blood Borned Pathogens in the evening that I missed when I had my D&C. I still have to make up the SIDS and Shaken Baby portion that I also missed but it's not being offered in our area as of now.

Right now, I don't know how I will be able to manage at my husband's family Christmas. Pregnant family members. Babies.

It's just all too much.