I realized last night that I can have coffee. Cold medicines, pain medications, anti-depressants. Things that I don't WANT to be allowed to have. But that's the way life is right now.
On
Saturday, November 8, 2008, I am up by 4 am on the day of my surgery because I can't sleep and my head is so clogged that I am literally gagging every time I swallow. Caleb wakes up as I get out of bed and asks where I'm going. While he is a rather deep sleeper, I make one move to get out of bed and he's up :) I head downstairs, where the cats start meowing for breakfast. I go to let the dog out, only to remember that my parents had picked her up the night before. I miss her and the normalcy that comes with it. I want to eat and drink SO incredibly badly but I know I cannot. My fear of vomiting overtakes all other fears in my life...it is THAT bad. I play on the
Internet until it's time for Caleb to get up. We get our showers and I get dressed in comfy clothes. I pack extra underwear and my own pads, as I learned the hard way the first time around that hospital pads are bad news. Bad bad news. We head up the hospital, where we meet my parents at just about 8 am. It is raining, cold and very depressing out. I feel the same way inside. I get registered and they tell me that they're sending me to the 4
th floor.
Labor and Delivery floor.
I ask why and she tells me that the day surgery center is closed. I say nothing but grip Caleb's hand tighter. We head up the the labor and delivery floor. The floor where mothers are birthing babies, where babies are being born. Where healthy, LIVE babies are being swaddled and kissed on. We get on the floor and head towards the Mother/Baby wing, where the mothers and new babies are at after birth, where the families can visit. Of course, as we walk by the nurses station, they have about 6 babies out, being wrapped up and ready to taken to Mom. I nearly lose it there but we are quickly taken to the end of the hall, in the corner.
I don't mind, for once, to be put in the corner. As I am being escorted to my room, the nurse asks why we are so early. I look surprised and she tells me that my surgery is scheduled for 11am, not 10:15am. I told her that we were never told of a time change and that I came when I was told to. She was quick to bite back: Well, we're not going to do anything to do you for another hour. So you might as well just sit and pass the time.
Oh thanks.
- By 9am, my nurse Vicki and OB tech Christin are there to do my vitals, height, weight and numerous pre-surgery questions. They tell me that they are there to help me and support me in whatever ways I or my family may need. Vicki is very delicate in asking her questions and is very sympthetic when she asks what surgery and why. She tells me to try to relax and that they'll be back later.
- By 10am,they are back, with IV lines ready and waiting. Poor Christin tries twice to get a vein, only to have one roll and the other one never pan out. So a IV therapist is called in and she gets it in one shot. Saline solution is quickly put in my body and I am then peeing every 20 minutes on the nose. Vicki and Christin come back to check my IV line and to bring papers to sign for the surgery, as well as pamphlets, brochures and reading material on a Support Group that meets as well as information on miscarriages for Fathers and Mothers. Something we didn't get from the first D&C (maybe because it was in the Day Surgery Building across the street?) or the second miscarriage because...well, I don't know why. But they bring it and my mom reads it. They put a card on my door that has a picture of a single white rose with a few tear drops. Vicki explains that this for anyone who enters the room to know that there is no baby, no normal labor and delivery. This is to help curb any confusion, upsetting comments or unwanted comments. I wanted to keep it but it was gone from the door when we left. We asked Vicki to talk to Dr. S about doing tests on the baby, placenta, etc. She talks to him and he says that the baby had already begun to deteriorate and that there's only 2 places in MI that does that type of testing on a baby and it's extremely expensive. We really just wanted tests on the placenta, sac and the like to see if that was all okay. But there was mis-communication and it was too late.
- By 11am, no noise of surgery. Christin comes in and tells me that they'll get me as soon as they're ready. She also tells me that she will make sure to get a gift basket (full of fruit!) for me before we leave. My dad leaves sometime in here to run an errand and Caleb goes to get my antibiotic, Vicodin and Motrin 800 from the pharmacy before they close. It's just me and my mom and we don't say much. And I'm okay with that.
- By now, it's 12 noon. 2 hours after I was told initially that my surgery would start. Vicki comes in and asks how we are. I'm in tears from frustration and asks when we'll go down to surgery. She says as soon as they know anything, they'll let me know. I'm irritated, antsy and incredibly uncomfortable from the babies crying (which we've had the TV on the entire time to drown out the noise) and the nasty head cold. Caleb sits by me on the bed and my mom and dad just read the paper. It is quiet and I hate it. But I don't want to hear the babies. I want noise but I don't. I don't like the mundane talking that is really going nowhere.
- 12:30rolls around and the surgery transport lady is there. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm Dr. S's patient. And I keep telling them yes. Maybe I should write it on my forehead or something. We all troop down to the large patient-transport elevator and go down to the surgery holding area. My parents are allowed, but I just needed time with Caleb alone. My parents will stay with Caleb during my surgery and wait until I get out of recovery. They'll leave after that because I know I just can't handle them after surgery. My mom kisses me goodbye and my dad does too.
We go back to the holding area, where the nurse, Trish, knows Caleb from work. She tells us she's had 2 (maybe 3) miscarriages and understands all too well. Tells me if I need anything to yell. Another nurse, who I can't remember her name, gives me 1/2 of something to relax me, as well as
Zantac for my acid reflux and some sour drink to help me not puke. I meet the anesthesiologist, Dr. K and discuss what has happened in previous surgeries, including my reaction to the anesthesia after my first D&C. We discuss the options, especially because I have a nasty head cold. She tells me that she wants to consider doing a spinal block because if I was
intubated, I could develop pneumonia because of the head cold. I am in tears of fear and anticipation, but ultimately decide to do the spinal block. My anxiety makes my
heart rate spike, so in order to deter the same nasty reaction as I had from the last D&C and spiking
heart rates, they give me the second 1/2 of the loopy medicine. I begin to feel it. Trish comes back and tells me it's about time. The
assistant to Dr. K, a nice older man, tells me that he's going to take me back, along with one of the surgery nurses, Donna. I kiss Caleb goodbye
amidst tears and I am gone.
I am wheeled back to the freezing cold surgery room. Someone says to call Dr. S and that it is 13:30...1:30. Nearly 3 and a half hours after surgery was originally scheduled. Dr. K is here, along with the nice man (he said Dr.....but I can't remember), nurse Donna and another nice nurse, Anna. Anna and Donna help move me to the surgery table. It is extremely cold. My head feels heavy and I am in and out. They help me sit up, put a pillow in my arms and tell me to lean over. Dr. K does the spinal and the other Dr. and Anna stand at my head. They keep telling me to relax and not tense my right arm. I keep thinking that I'm not, but I guess I was? As soon as Dr. K tells me that I am going to feel pressure, my hips feel like they are going to blow up. Actually, blow out of my body. And then my legs are immediately tingly, like when they are falling asleep. Only the feeling is from my toes up to my hips. I am laid back down on the table, where my arms and belly are strapped down. My feet are placed into some boots that look like skiing boots. Those are then strapped into
over sized stirrups that are found in every OB/
GYN office. Dr. K's assistant tells me to relax and an oxygen mask is placed over my nose and mouth. I fall asleep, tears streaming down my face. I wake up once during surgery, but only enough to hear. I hear the suction, the suctioning of my baby and my body being ripped apart. I am aware of what's going on and quickly go back to sleep.
I wake up again at 2:05, only 35 minutes after being taken back to surgery. I am immediately asked what hurts/has no feeling. I can feel my uterus contracting regularly (thanks to the
Pitocin I will be enduring for the next 4 hours) but can feel nothing past hips. And my right arm also has no feeling. Someone says that I had to be given more medication to sedate me because I kept coming in and out during surgery. Hence, the noise.
I am moved to recovery holding area, where my nurse happens to be my hairdresser's mother in law. Her name is Skip and she's great. Dr. S comes over and apologizes but I don't really understand what he's saying. Caleb tells me later that when Dr. S had called to tell Caleb that I was out and everything went well, that I was the 5
th of 6
th surgeries that day that were being performed by 3 of the OB/
GYN's. That is why we were so late without any knowledge. Excuse? No. Explanation? Definitely.
My left leg is getting feeling back, but nothing else.
At 3:00, I am wheeled back to my room. I don't have my glasses on, but I can see Caleb holding my bright maroon purse. The transport person giggles when I tell her that that is DEFINITELY my purse, but can't identify who's holding it :) Caleb grabs my hand and lets me put my glasses on. I am then wheeled back to my room. Vicki, my afternoon OB tech Jeri-
Lynn, the transport person and another OB tech have to roll me onto my bed, as I still have no feeling in my legs. Well, my left leg is sort of there, but not my right or my hips. I get settled into bed and Jeri-
Lynn checks my vital, while Vicki checks my blood flow on the hospital pad in the MESH UNDERWEAR. Holy cow, I do NOT remember those! I don't look because it scares me a bit. Vicki tells me I'm okay but that I can't leave until I eat, pee and am able to feel my entire lower part of my body. Caleb and I just sit and talk for a bit. Jeri-
Lynn and Vicki come in and check on me a few more times. Dinner comes, and I have to get permission to make sure I can eat. It's fried chicken strips, jello pudding, cold fries, ice cream, milk, water and I don't think there was a vegetable but I'm not sure. I eat a bit but not a lot - Caleb starts to eat until we realize that they're determine if I can go home on how much I eat and that he probably shouldn't eat anymore and fake them into thinking I am hungry if I'm really not. But Vicki said it was fine that I only ate a bit. We watch television until Jeri-
Lynn and another OB tech (I didn't get her name) come in to check my blood flow and to help me get to the bathroom. At this point, I can feel everything but my pelvic area. Not so good when you've got to pee and you can't feel yourself peeing! So they help me go to the bathroom and ultimately, have to help me sit because I can't feel my butt. They turn the water on like we do to the kids who are potty training at the daycare because I can't feel the urge to go to the bathroom. I pee and pee and when I wipe, all there is is bright red blood and clots.
I resist the urge to start crying uncontrollably.
As I get up to walk out, the cranky OB tech bitch quickly points out that I need to wash my hands. No shit Sherlock - I still had to manage to get up with a numb ass, an IV line full of
Pitocin and a shaking body,
thankyouverymuch. Jeri-
Lynn is quick to help me turn the water on and help me wash my hands, and get back into bed. I asked about the aforementioned fruit basket and the grumpy bitch OB tech lady tells me that there aren't anymore and I shouldn't worry about. Yet, I do. There are notes on other doors - can't leave without fruit basket. And mine? None. Isn't it bad enough that I had to endure the crying of babies all day while I carry my dead, unborn child in my body and yet you can't get me a damned fruit basket. I'm still miffed about that.
After the bathroom trip, I just sit and wait for my body to become
un-numb. Eventually, about 5:45, Vicki comes in and says that I'm okay to get ready to go home. I get dressed, with the help of my husband and am ready to leave. As we are sitting there, a knock on the door and I get a SECOND dinner delivered. Evidently, I was supposed to be really hungry. That dinner even had CHEESECAKE on it! But I just wanted to go home and wasn't up for more hospital food, so we sent the nice lady away.
Vicki came back, had me sign some paperwork, gave me discharge instructions and helped me out of bed. She then
genuinely asked if I needed ANYTHING, I could call the L&D floor and ask for her or Jeri-
Lynn or Christin (my first OB tech). She asks if they have found anything as to why we are losing babies and we tell her no. She tells us that she'll be thinking of us as we continue on this journey. She hugged us and we walked out.
We got home and our dear friends, Amy and Sid brought some dinner over for us. I fell asleep on the couch where I stayed much of Sunday and Monday.
As I wrote before, I feel physically fine. My back was sore from the spinal tap on Sunday and Monday, but very little bleeding and cramping. I am tired easily, but as my mom put it, I DID just have some major surgery.
Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems to hit the hardest at bedtime/times when I'm just laying down and it's quiet. I cried when I ordered a Coke the other day. I cry when people offer dinner (we've had some yummy chicken and dumplings, chicken and noodles and chicken pot pie that friends and family have brought for us and we got stuffed shells tonight!). I feel weird accepting meals when I'm fine to do it myself, but then again, I am not fine. I just lost my third child. My precious baby that died inside of me and that I couldn't save.
I couldn't save them. And that makes me feel so incredibly powerless. And depressed.
I've made puppy chow, homemade Chex-Mix and white chocolate popcorn. :) I need to melt some more chocolate for the white chocolate popcorn (with Kix and Fritos - YUM!). We tried last night and it was a disaster! I also made BBQ ribs in the slow-cooker last night! They were REALLY good (and I'm not a ribs lover by any means) but now I'm paying for it - anyone know how to get burnt BBQ sauce out of a slow-cooker? ACK!
